So many of us try to do things alone, thinking that asking for help or admitting we can’t do it all on our own is a sign of weakness.  But, just the opposite is true.  Assembling a support squad, a number of people who can offer information, inspiration and support to help you during times of change is actually a sign of strength.  When a company decides to make a strategic change, the CEO doesn’t do it alone, why should you?  A good leader gathers great and talented people with experience and expertise in the areas in which he lacks those strengths and together, they create and implement a plan for change.  As the CEO of your life, you should do the same. 

Before you get started making the change you want to make, think about what resources you’ll need, what information and expertise you could benefit from.  Make a list… and write it down.  Now, look at the list and determine who you know who might be able to offer you what you need.  If you can’t match a person with every need, think about who might know someone who knows or has what you need.

When asking for help, be specific about what you need but be open if people offer you something more or something different.  Remember, sometimes we don’t know what we need and so we can’t ask for it.  Even people who can’t offer a specific piece of knowledge or resources can offer inspiration and support.

Don’t even think about getting started without having your support squad lined up!  It’s a sure fire route to failure!  Not only are you more likely to succeed in making a change with the help of others, you’ll have a whole lot more fun too!

 Thanks to my friend, colleague and fabulous coach Bette Hoffman for this poignant piece of Native American legend.

One evening a Cherokee Elder was teaching his grandson about a battle

that goes on inside people.                     

 He said “My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.

One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance,

self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride  and superiority.

The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility,

kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion,

and faith.

This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute. Then he asked his grandfather,

“Which wolf wins?”

The old Cherokee man simply replied, “The one you feed.”

Remember when you were learning to drive?  You had been riding as a passenger in a car, observing others drive for years so you thought driving was going to be pretty easy, right?  You were clueless about how many moving parts you had to be aware of all at once.  (I know about this because my son just got his license).  When you slid into the driver’s seat for the first time, you realized you didn’t know what to do.  You were overwhelmed.  So, you took one step at a time, thinking about each step along the way:  put the key in the ignition, turn the key, depress the brake, put the car in the appropriate gear, apply pressure to the gas pedal, steer around the turns while at the same time maintaining appropriate pressure on the gas pedal (which is the gas and which is the brake again?), watch for other vehicles and pedestrians.  Each action required careful thought and intense concentration.  At the end of your first few spins around the parking lot or down some quiet street, you were exhausted.  But, getting your license was an important rite of passage and you weren’t giving up.  That little piece of paper and all it represented was worth the pain you had to endure to get it.  Each time you drove, you practiced all of the different things you needed to do and remember, and each time, you had some fits and starts, some potential whip lash moments, near brushes with the phone pole standing oh so close to the right shoulder of the road.  You were by no means ready for your solo run but you were making progress.  You kept practicing and fairly soon, it all came together and you could get from point A to point B without incident.  You had to think about what you were doing but it wasn’t so painful anymore and all of the pieces were becoming more integrated.  With more and more experience, it all came together and one day, you arrived at your destination and realized that you didn’t remember passing any of the landmarks along the way.

What you went through was the normal learning process.  You had followed the Conscious Competence model.*  You began as an Unconscious Incompetent, when you didn’t know what you didn’t know, moved to the Competent Incompetent phase where you became aware of what you didn’t know or weren’t very skilled at doing.  Once you became aware of what you needed to do and how to do it, you were a Conscious Competent, having to pay acute attention to each aspect of the process of driving as you did it.  Finally, the new actions and skills became ingrained and natural and you could do them without thinking… the Unconscious Competent stage.

You’ll go through this same process every time you face a change.  Good to get comfortable with it!  It’s here to stay!
* The origin of the Conscious Competence Model is unknown.

Most of us, if I use my own friends, colleagues and clients as a good indication, place integrity as one of our highest values.  While the word integrity may have slightly different meaning to each of us, in general, it means being consistent with who we really are.  It is often manifests itself keeping promises;  acting on our intentions; being congruent in thoughts, words, and deed.

When a friend or colleague says she will do something, you expect her to deliver on that promise, don’t you?  And, if she  repeatedly fails to deliver, you lose faith and perhaps respect for her, right?  You might say, she’s out of integrity… and you begin to discount her promises in the future saying, ’she’s not reliable’, ‘I can’t count on her’, ‘I’ve heard this before,’ ’she’s not a person of her word.’  Your relationship with a person who behaves in this way is diminished.  Think about how you feel about that person:  You begin to feel uncomfortable around her, to blame, judge and criticize her.   You begin to disconnect from her.  These feelings sometimes spread to others with whom she associates (guilt by association).  Lo and behold, you begin to feel isolated.

The same is true of our relationship with ourselves.  When we say we will do something (lose weight, listen to our kids, get organized, etc.) and then consistently fail to do it, we are out of integrity with ourselves.  We begin to judge ourselves, we lose faith in ourselves, we experience a lack of trust in our ability to produce the results we say we want.  We actually feel disconnected from our best selves.  All of these lead to a feeling of discord.

In fact, the dictionary definition of integrity is: the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished.  When we consistently disappoint ourselves by not following through on our intentions, we create a state of being fragmented (not whole), weak, out of kilter.

After a while, when we catch ourselves saying, I’m going to (fill in the blank), we don’t even believe ourselves.  It’s just noise, a throw away comment, not to be taken seriously.  We have lost faith in ourselves.  And, interestingly enough, we begin to question the value of the people around us (who would want to be a friend of someone who can’t keep her word to herself?)  And, we begin to feel disconnected and isolated, just as we did when the person who we judged to be out of integrity was someone else.  Being out of integrity with ourselves causes us to experience self-sabotage, pain, anger, judgments, and depression.

To be our best, we must be whole: that is, be responsible for our actions and inactions.  We must act in a way that is consistent with who we say we want to be.  We must be in integrity.

Being in integrity gives us more energy and allows us to achieve our desired results with greater ease.  It allows us to live more powerfully, and to attract reliable, trustworth, supportive inpiring people into our lives.

Take a look at where you are out of integrity with yourself;  where you are not keeping your word to yourself and living in a way that is consistent with your vision of your best self.   Choose one area and begin to repair the damage you have done to your relationship with yourself.  Be a person you can count on to fulfill on your promises to yourself and take responsiblity for your actions!

The difference between being successful at making and sustaining change is in the length of your vision.  If you take the short term view, and seek immediate satisfaction, you may be happy right now, but regretful later.  If you take a long term view, you’ll find it much easier to be successful reaching your change goal.

Let’s look at a couple of examples of each perspective:

Short term:  Eat a big, piece of rich, moist, gooey chocolate cake.  It will make you happy in the moment.  But, when you look in the mirror or try to put on those size 8 jeans, you’ll surely regret having indulged in the short term pleasure.

Long term:  Eat an apple.  It will curb your hunger and serve you in your effort to eat healthy foods, lose weight, become more fit and live a happier, healthier life.

Short term:  Lose my temper with my kids.  It will relieve tension in the moment and might get you the result you are looking for (peace and quiet) but you’ll regret your lack of control and the example you are setting when you cool off and have some space from the situation.

Long term:  Take a deep breath and calmly request that your kids stop doing what they are doing and encourage them to find something else to do or somewhere else to do it.  Offer rewards or consequences for a change in their behavior.  It will build your relationship with your kids, set an example for them of how to deal effectively with stress and conflict and give you  a greater sense of self-control.

Before you react, ask yourself:  Will this action merely serve me in this moment or will it help me reach my goal for a happier, healthier, more fulfilled life?