Life is an artichoke

Picture an artichoke.  On the outside are the vegetable’s tough outer leaves, all arranged nicely, one overlapping the other in perfect symmetry, forming an attractive flower.    But at the end of each leaf is a sharp little pricker that can hurt you.  So, although it all looks great, there are parts that can cause some pain.  And, as you know, as you peel away the outside leaves of the vegetable, you get to smaller, more tender leaves inside.  These leaves are even sweeter, more delicate than the outside leaves because they’ve been protected.  As you go deeper into the artichoke, toward the center, you encounter the hairy ‘choke’ part that stands between the leaves (appearances) and the heart of the matter.  You have to discard that part before you can enjoy the best part:  the sweet meat of the heart.

That’s what making a change is like.  You’ve got to look at a number of layers, identifying and examining all the elements along the way and clearing out the yucky parts before we can get to the goodies.

Join me on my teleseminar Become a Change Champion and begin your journey to your sweet heart!  http://bit.ly/9JUx0Z. 

Do you want to change your relationships?  Feel really good about yourself even when things aren’t going just the way you’d like!  Well, have I got an idea for you!

You know all those people in your life who are unpleasant, rude, ungrateful for all you do and just downright difficult to deal with?  I have the cure!  And, it isn’t what you’d expect.  No, I’m not going to suggest that you sit down and have a heart to heart talk with them or that you cut them out of your life altogether.  I’m going to suggest that you take the high road.  Let me give you an example:

Imagine that you are walking down the street in the wealthy section of a city.  It’s a beautiful sunny day and, as you’re walking along admiring the majestic high end real estate, a flower pot falls from a balcony high above your head.  The pot hits you and crashes to the ground.  You’re angry but only a little hurt.  You have a choice to make.  What will you do?

Let’s consider the options: 

1.  It’s a wealthy neighborhood.  The guy from who’s deck the pot fell is probably worth a bundle.  You could sue him and probably win big bucks.  Why not?  You know a good lawyer who’d be happy to take the case.

2.  You could get revenge.  You could gather all the pieces of the pot and the unrooted flower that fell out of it, carry it up to the guys apartment and threaten him.  That would make you feel better, wouldn’t it?

3.  You could walk away and try to forget about it, but you run the risk of carrying your feelings around with you for the rest of your life.

4.  Or, you could do the unthinkable.  You could pick up the pieces of the pot and the broken plant, take it to a nursery, buy a new pot, have the plant repotted and bring it back to the owner.  You could knock on his door and say to him, ‘Your plant fell and I thought you’d like to have it back, repotted.  I hope you like the new pot that I got for you.  Perhaps you should secure it on your deck a little better so it doesn’t fall again.  If you have some wire, I could help you do that right now.

Can you imagine how you’d feel if you did that?  Despite the fact that the pot falling wasn’t your fault, that it could have killed you, that the owner never would have known you were even there.  And imagine how the other person might feel?  How surprised and delighted… imagine how he might turn around and treat others.

One simple change in your behavior could cause a ripple effect of positive feelings and positive actions.  Or, you could take it the other way.  Which would you choose?

Alice: Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?
The Cat: That depends a good deal on where you want to get to
Alice: I don’t much care where.
The Cat: Then it doesn’t much matter which way you go.
Alice: …so long as I get somewhere.
The Cat: Oh, you’re sure to do that, if only you walk long enough.

Many of us head out along that path, away from somewhere but toward, we know not
where. Unfortunately, without an end goal or destination in mind, our
endless efforts to be happier, healthier and more fulfilled leave us tired
and frustrated. And, the farther we travel without a target, the
harder it will be to find our way back.  Each time we try and fail at
something, we fall back farther in terms or our optimism, energy, self
confidence and courage.  So it is important, before we set out on our
journey to change, that we have a clear sense of where we are trying to get
to.  What is the desired outcome of the change?  How will we KNOW when we
have been successful.  Who can help us get on the right path and stay
on course?  What are the milestones that will help you know you
are on track along the way? 

Like Alice, before we set out, we must be clear about our destination. 
Of these things we can be sure: time will pass, energy will be expended, our
hair will gray, our faces will wrinkle, our joints will stiffen.  But at the end
of the day, will we end up where we hoped we’d be?  Surely not if we don’t know
where that is.

Although overall, book sales are down, the Self Help book market continues to expand.  According to the Christian Science Monitor, in 1998, total revenue for the genre was just under $600 million.  By early 2008, it had mushroomed to over a billion dollars.  Why?  If you have one self help book on your shelf, I’m willing to bet you have 5.  We keep seeking the magic bullet, the one thing we can do or not do or say or not say or eat or not eat that will result in our having the life of our dreams.  Some of us are willing to do some work to reach the promised land.  So, we not only read the books, we faithfully do all the exercises.  Sure, we find them interesting, we gain some valuable insight, yet we can’t quite seem to turn it all into sustainable action. 

For the most part, we continue to do what we’ve always done, even though we just read everything we need to know to do it differently.   Do you want to know why?  Because we can only see what we can see from our side of our eyes.  When we respond to questions, do exercises or describe our current practices, we’re describing them as WE SEE THEM, not as they are seen by others.  We can’t see what others see.  We can’t ‘think outside the box’ because we’re in the box.  What we see is the walls around us and what’s on those walls is our own perceptions, paradigms, limiting beliefs, habits, unconscious behavior, inner voices.  They are the instructions for how to play it safe and stay inside the box.  In other words, the things we need to change are the very things that are preventing us from being able to change.  We need the support of someone who’s outside the box.

Think of it like a frozen, microwavable dinner entree.  The entree needs to be transformed from its solid, frozen state to a soft, hot state so that it is delicious and appealing.  Indulge me for a minute and imagine that the food has a brain and can think.  It knows it needs to be heated but it can’t do what it knows is necessary by itself.  Why not?  Because the instructions and the necessary resources are on the OUTSIDE OF THE BOX.  That’s true for you, too. Now, you are a lot more capable than a frozen dinner but, you need the support and resources that exist outside the box you live in.  You need to get a more complete picture and a different set of instructions that will guide you to take effective action.  You need a fresh, new set of eyes and ears to help you see your circumstances from a different perspective, to suggest new, more effective ways to respond to things, to test the beliefs you hold as true, to cheer you on as you take some risks.

One on one coaching and group coaching programs can provide just the right balance of external perspective, information, insight, support and accountability to help you act on your intentions and make the changes you want to make once and for all!

I used to wonder what the heck fear of success meant.  I mean, we all strive for success at whatever it is we are doing.  We want to be promoted, recognized, admired, acknowledged for our contribution…don’t we?  We say we do but I’ve discovered that when faced with the reality of success, some of us (myself included) get a little scared.  Will I be able to maintain this level of quality?  Will I be more visible and therefore my mistakes more easily noticed?  Will I have to work more hours?  Can I live up to my new found reputation?  Will my relationships change? Do I want to do what it takes to sustain my success?  What if people find out that I’m really not that good?  What if it doesn’t work out the way I had hoped it would?

Of course, in order to avoid dealing with these fears, we unconsciously sabotage ourselves.   Then we feel frustrated and demoralized because we’re not as successful as we (say) we’d like to be.  We get caught in a vicious cycle.

So, how do we get out of it?  First we need to identify what we are afraid might happen if we achieve the success we seek.  Then, we need to investigate and test the assumptions that make us believe these things might happen.  Is it true I’ll have to work longer and harder?  Is it true that I’m not as good as people think I am?  Why do they think I’m good when I’m no so sure?  Will my relationships change and if so, is that all right with me?  What new relationships might be created out of my success?  And so on. 

Our assumptions and the fears they create, more than our lack of skills and knowledge, are what keep us from acting on our stated intentions.   Only by bringing them out into the light can we wrestle them to their rightful size and step over them.