I am honored to welcome my good friend and colleague Doris Kovic as a guest blogger today. Doris is an extraordinary leadership coach and President of Leading Insight, a management consulting company, based in San Clemente, California. She works with clients to increase the effectiveness of their people, in order to realize greater productivity and increased revenues.
While Doris’ post was originally directed at a corporate audience, her message applies to people in all walks of life. Enjoy!
Managing Your Emotions to Get Results
Letting your emotions get the better of you will derail your decision making and the ability of the people around you to be their best. I would like to be able to say that its easy to manage your emotions. But it is not! Research confirms that over time, our responses to feelings become hard wired in and that every time we react a certain way we are reinforcing those connections in our brain. That is the bad news. The good news is that our brains are “plastic” and through reflection and practice we can rewire the connections and build new and better habits. Old dogs can learn new tricks!
1. Identify and name your emotions. Check in with yourself several times a day to notice how you are feeling. If you find yourself using general words like fine, OK, or good to describe your emotions, push yourself to be more specific and recognize the subtleties of your emotions. If you cannot find the right words, maybe you need to expand your emotional vocabulary. An internet search on “lists of emotions” will yield lists of emotions that you can use as a reference.
2. Distinguish between emotions and thoughts. Thoughts and emotions are inextricably linked. Just like the great chicken and egg debate that scientists have had for years it is difficult to determine what comes first? But our thoughts do create an emotional experience. Your thoughts can create physical sensations as your body reacts to what you say as if it were real. Build awareness of your “self-talk” and the physical sensations associated with different emotions. This process of getting to know yourself at a different level will build your awareness and ability to manage your emotions.
3. Know how to calm yourself down and delay your reaction. It may be as simple as taking long slow breaths. The old technique of counting to ten actually does work as a way of calming emotional reactions and giving time for perspective. Even focusing on taking notes, or doodling a picture for yourself, can be a productive creative release. Remember, you have control of your reactions. You cannot stop the wind but you can let it spill off your sails! Before you react to a situation, give yourself time to think and compose yourself to avoid saying something that you are likely to regret.
4. Accept your emotions. Managing emotions is not about judging an emotion as either good or bad and then burying the bad ones. Feelings don’t go away just because you ignore them. The escapist strategy of ignoring your feelings may give temporary relief but its likely that the feelings will return even stronger then before. A small frustration can lead to anger or slight concern to panic. Accept your emotions as information about yourself.
5. Turn the spotlight inward to reflect and understand yourself. Think about the situations or people that upset you. Do you see any patterns in your reactions? Dig deeper to understand your reactions and hot buttons. What are your automatic patterns of thought? What assumptions are you making as you draw conclusions from your observations? Are you over-generalizing, mind reading, blaming or predicting the future. Learn from your responses and the reactions they trigger in others, determining how you might respond differently.
6. Develop a habit of positive self talk. The running commentary in your head is with you 24/7 and can have a powerful influence on your perceptions and attitude. If your self talk is negative, it will create your own negative reality. Think about the goals that you want to achieve and then identify more productive thoughts that support these goals. The next time you catch yourself in negative self talk, stop and see if you can re-frame your thinking using these more productive thoughts.
7. Exercise. A great way to burn off frustration and stress is exercise. Any physical activity is a healthy outlet for emotional energy and it will help your body be more resistant to stress. Begin slowly, but have a regular program of physical activity so that when the pressure is on, you are more resilient and able to keep your cool.
8. Express your emotions …appropriately. Emotions are the glue that holds relationships together. In the workplace the emotional energy of the leader can help define the culture. But there is a big difference between expressing yourself respectfully and “letting them have it”. Talk and acknowledge how you feel, but always be aware of the impact on others. Emotions can ruin a culture, or they can help create a workplace that is full of energy, abundance, optimism, innovation, and trust – leading to success.
9. Sometimes you just need to vent. Releasing our emotions can act as a safety valve – relieving tensions, just like steam out of a kettle. If you really need to vent, find someone you trust outside the situation that will just listen to you. Recognize that although ranting may feel good in the moment, it is a path to no where, unless you take the time to reflect and understand your emotions. Also, ranting may just add fuel to the fire and make matters worse.
10. Practice, practice , practice. The more you practice the steps above the more you will flex, build and manage your emotional muscle.
For more information on Doris’ work, visit her website at www.leadinginsight.com
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