Wow, the stuff upset it made of.

I was chatting with a friend of mine the other day.  She was busy helping her daughter get ready for a semester abroad in South America.  There was much to do.  And, aside from these preparations, my friend, a busy physician and generous community volunteer, also had a long list of patient phone calls to return and meetings to plan for. 

Being a teenager, her daughter decided it was time to go shopping for necessities for her trip.  I mean, it was time RIGHT NOW.  Not a few days ago, when her mom suggested they go, not tomorrow night when she had already made plans to be with her friends but RIGHT NOW!  And, on top of that, the daughter had just learned that there were very few plane tickets left on a flight she wanted to take for a vacation trip she was planning with her boyfriend in December.  So, that needed to be dealt with RIGHT NOW too. 

Now, if you have teenagers, or remember the days when you did, you know what I’m talking about.  If you are a teenager, you’re probably saying to yourself, “And your problem with all of this would be?” 

Being of sound and rational mind and removed from the situation as you are reading this, you are likely saying to yourself, why didn’t the mom just say no.  Why didn’t she say, “I can’t take you shopping right now, dear.”  or “Go ahead and make the plane reservations yourself. You’re a competent, capable young lady.”  I’ll tell you why…  STRESS!

The daughter’s unreasonable requests and sense of urgency arose from stress as did her mom’s reaction which was, in her words, not one of her best parenting moments.  Underneath it all, both, aside from being busy, are nervous about this upcoming trip.  And the anxiety hadn’t been identified or expressed.  So, it came spurting out in their interaction like toothpaste from the tube. 

This kind of upset happens often and it usually isn’t about the specific thing that might trigger it.  For example, how often do we (women) get upset because our husband’s (sorry guys) don’t take out the trash?  I mean really, is the trash that important?  No. And, it generally isn’t about the trash.  It’s about some other unmet need or frustration and it comes out because it’s safer to identify and talk about the trash than whatever the real source is, if you even know.

We want to be all things to all people, we want to have it all work out.  We keep giving and doing and contributing and then, all of a sudden, we get to our personal tipping point.  The proverbial straw that breaks the camel’s back, and we didn’t even see it coming.  We were too busy to notice that we were dangerously close to the edge. 

In hind sight, what my friend said she wished she had done was to say to her daughter, “I know this is important to you but I can’t go right now.  Let me do these 3 things first and then we can go”, or “I’m sorry, it just won’t work for me to go tonight, let’s look at our calendars and figure out when we can both go.”   Or she might have stopped and realized that perhaps her daughter’s sense of urgency was generated by her own (the daughter’s)  stress and anxiety and addressed that. 

What she regrets doing is losing her temper.  So today, in the calm after the storm, she will take a few moments and process the interaction with her daughter, mend the bridge and the two will move on, having learned a little more about themselves and each other.

And in the future, and the lesson for us all, is to monitor your own stress level and create ways to take care of ourselves so that we can be our best selves in the relationships that are most important to us.