It’s that time of year again.  Traditionally, as we roll the calendar over to a new year, we vow to make some changes and do things differently to improve our health, our relationships, our lives.  And, sadly,  less than 50% of us will be successful sticking to our resolution.   As I was thinking about what my New Year’s Resolutions might be, I considered all the things I’ve been complaining about:  my weight, my short temper with my kids, not taking enough time for myself, not getting enough exercise, my messy desk… there are plenty of areas of my life that I’d like to tweak!  As I looked at my list, I asked myself… do I want those things to be different or am I actually committed to doing what it takes to change them?  BIG difference.  Those of us of a certain age, remember Elizabeth Montgomery as Samantha on the television show Bewitched.  Samantha could wiggle her nose and make what ever she wanted to happen happen, with no effort whatsoever.  As I looked at my list, I said to myself, yes, if I were Samantha, I’d make all those things happen but, since I’m not, which ones are really important to me?  Which change or changes am I really committed to working on?  I’m still working on the answer but I’m leaning toward starting with my desk and those pesky extra pounds I haven’t been able to shake.  So, how will I proceed?  I’m  going to create SMART goals around the change(s) I decide to make.  I’m going to make them:

Specific:  What is the exact number of pounds I want to lose or size clothes I want to fit in or measurement of various parts of my body

What exactly is the outcome I want to see if I ‘handle’ my messy desk (files for everything, desk cleared off and all papers put in the proper folder at the end of every work day, takes me no more than 1 minute to access anything I’m looking for, etc.)

 Measurable:  How will I measure my success?  Sometimes, the measurement is very concrete… 10 pounds, other times it is moving from a current sense of satisfaction of ‘3′ on a scale of 1-10 to a desire to be consistently at an ‘8′. 

Achievable:  Goals should be a stretch but not impossible.  If you set a goal that is out of your control to reach or so enormous that it is unlikely that even Superman could do it, you’ll set yourself up for failure.  And failure leads to disappointment, self depracation and a nasty ride down a slippery slope.  Be realistic about what you can do in a particular timeframe.  Remember, this isn’t the last goal you’ll ever set in your life… break it down into small, do-able steps, gain momentum, get a good win under your belt and then you’ll be inspired to keep going.

Relevant:  Ask yourself how your specific goal relates to your life purpose, your overall goals.  When a goal fits into a big picture, the grand scheme for your life, you are more likely to stick with it.  Successful attainment of a relevant goal has a bigger payoff than merely changing a behavior.

 Time-framed:  By when do you intend to make your change?  It’s important to set a realistic timeframe because if you don’t, one of two things is likely to happen:  either you’ll think you aren’t progressing fast enough or, you’ll put off doing what you need to do in order to achieve success because you have no measure of accountability for yourself.  Either way, you’ll sabotage your success.

And, by the way… just because it is January 1, you don’t have to make a resolution.  January 6 is good, February 8 is good.  Better to make it a meaningful, attainable goal than a random wish tied to a particular day of the year.  After all, when you achieve success, it won’t have mattered when you set the goal!

Best wishes for a happy, healthy, satisfying 2010.  I look forward to continuing our journey together.

Sometimes, as we travel down the road to making a change, we stop and ask ourselves…”Why was I making this change in the first place?”  That usually happens when we’ve hit a bump in the road, we don’t see progress fast enough (for ourselves), or we have a set back. If the change you are trying to make is consistent with your life purpose, the change will be easier to make and to stick to! 

Ralph Marston, in his Daily Motivators, said it so well…

“Where there is purpose, there is energy. Actions directed toward a compelling purpose will create a powerful momentum that lines up events and circumstances in your favor. Purpose gives you a reason to get going each day and strengthens your determination to persist when the going gets tough. Purpose pushes you firmly toward your highest level of accomplishment.”

 How does the change you are trying to make support your purpose?  How does it help you live a more authentic and genuinely purposeful life?

 How does putting things away instead of leaving them scattered around your home support your purpose to create a calming, serene environment?

 How does getting to your ideal fitness goal help you live in a way that is consistent with your highest purpose?

 How does listening patiently and attentively in the face of conflict allow you to live pursposefully?

 When we focus on our change in the context of a bigger picture rather than merely zeroing in on the actions we need to take (or avoid taking), we are more likely to be inspired and energized and ultimately, successful.

A Christmas Carol is one of my favorite movies.  We have a long standing tradition of watching it as a family during the Christmas season.  Each time I watch it, I notice something I hadn’t noticed before, as if, through the year, someone snuck into the cabinet and added something to enhance the value of an already rich story.  Or, perhaps, more likely, I am not the same person watching it from year to year.  Each year, I am ready to learn a new lesson.

One message carries through consistently.  Change is possible!  No, it isn’t usually as quick or as radical as Ebenezer Scrooge’s.  Charles Dickens didn’t write the script for our lives.  We’re on our own to do that.  But, alas, we can all look at our past, assess our present and design our future. 

For those of you not familiar with the story, here’s a very brief synopsis.  On Christmas eve, Scrooge is visited by his deceased business partner, Jacob Marley.   Marley has come to give Ebenezer a warning.  He (Marley) lived a life of negative habits and attitudes and has paid for his behavior in life by being sentenced to an eternity in Purgatory.  “I wear the chain I forged in life.  I made it link by link, and yard by yard;  I girded it on my own free will and of my own free will I wore it.”  He, (Jacob), has become aware that he made the choice to behave as he did and was 100% responsible for the life that those choices created.  He wants to warn Scrooge to make amends before it is too late for him and he is destined to a similar fate. 

We gain insight into Scrooge as we observe his life through his visits with the Ghost of Christmas Past, The Ghost of Christmas Present and finally, The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come.  We observe the behavior that comes out of his negative attitudes and beliefs, his broken relationships, his negative thoughts and assumptions.  We accompany Scrooge to his inevitable future, where he sees his own grave stone and witnesses how others remember him and what they say about him after his death.  It was this frightening experience of his own end and the revelation of his reputation that compel Ebenezer to transform.  

Jacob Marley didn’t learn the lessons of personal empowerment and possibility in life.  These lessons came to him, only after his death.  But, in life,  it is never too late to change and Scrooge ceases the opportunity.   

Based on his experience the previous evening, he awakens on Christmas morning transformed and giddily declares, “I am as light as a feather.  I am as happy a an angel.  I am as merry as a schoolboy.”  He proceeds to begin his new life as a generous, joyous, loving, happy man.

We all have the opportunity to review our past, assess our present and design our future.  Here are some useful questions to ask yourself in order to get started.

1. What are the things I have accomplished in my life and what do I still hope to do? 
2. Am I satisfied with all areas of my life?  What do I want to be doing more of?  Less of?
3. What relationships would I like to improve?
4. In what ways am I living the life of my dreams and where am I settling?
5. What contribution do I want to make to my community and the world?
6. At the end of my life, what do I want people to say about me?  What do I want to do in order for that to be possible?

While year end is a common time to take stock and New Year’s a time we often resolve to change, taking charge of your life and making necessary shifts to live fully can occur any time.  Carpe Diem!

The Rolling Stones released their hit song, ‘Mother’s Little Helper’ in 1965. I find it ironic that today, almost 45 years later, the lyrics are still relevant…including the use of some iteration of the little yellow pill. (Research shows that worldwide, the number of prescriptions for anti-depression and anti-anxiety medication has increased 3 fold over the past decade.) It seems the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Here are the lyrics to the song:

What a drag it is getting old

“Kids are different today”

I hear ev’ry mother say

Mother needs something today to calm her down

And though she’s not really ill

There’s a little yellow pill

She goes running for the shelter of a mother’s little helper

And it helps her on her way, gets her through her busy  day

“Things are different today”

I hear ev’ry mother say

Cooking fresh food for a husband’s just a drag

So she buys an instant cake and she burns her frozen steak

And goes running for the shelter of a mother’s little helper

And two help her on her way, get her through her busy day

Doctor please, some more of these

Outside the door, she took four more

What a drag it is getting old

“Men aren’t the same today”

I hear ev’ry mother say

They just don’t appreciate that you get tired

They’re so hard to satisfy,  you can tranquilize your mind

So go running for the shelter of a mother’s little helper

And four help you through the night, help to minimize your plight

Doctor please, some more of these

Outside the door, she took four more

What a drag it is getting old

“Life’s just much too hard today”

I hear ev’ry mother say

The pursuit of happiness just seems a bore

And if you take more of those, you will get an overdose

No more running for the shelter of a mother’s little helper

They just helped you on your way, through your busy dying day

It’s true, life is full of challenges, demands from many directions, and your inner voice, expressing your fears, insecurities, doubts, and questions.  But you aren’t alone in your journey for fulfillment.  Instead of reaching for your version of the little yellow pill…that extra pint of ice cream, the cigarette, the glass (or bottle) of Jack, the emotional explosion or melt down… why not try one of these healthier and more sustainable strategies:

• take a deep breath
• eat healthy foods
• take a walk
• talk to a friend
• drink plenty of water
• take time out to have fun
• express your wants, needs, fears
• meditate
• get plenty of rest
• take up a hobby
• do volunteer work and give back
• let go of perfection
• ask for help
• keep a gratitude journal

These are just a few ways of managing your stress and maintaining your health as you navigate life’s ups and downs.  But please, don’t do it alone!  Enlist a friend, find a buddy who is trying to make the same sort of change you are, seek the help of a professional, hire a coach, oin a support group.  Anything’s easier when you do it with others!

I was talking to some women the other day about how busy we all are. One woman, Alice said, I don’t even have time to change the sheets. Then she went on to say, actually, she had time to change the sheets but she couldn’t wash them because her washing machine is broken. So, of course, someone asked her if she had a pair of clean sheets that she could put on the bed. Yes, she said. So, why can’t you change the sheets, we asked. I guess I could, she replied. And then she confessed that the washing machine had been broken for 3 years. We each gasped quietly… but the sound of the collective air suck was audible. One brave soul asked, have you changed the sheets since the machine broke 3 years ago? Alice laughed and said yes. We were all more than a little relieved. The conversation continued. Now that Alice was clear that she could change the sheets, it was time to peel the next layer of the onion. What she didn’t have time to do, she claimed, was to spend hours on the phone with Sears, trying to get her problem resolved. She had had some unsuccessful and unpleasant encounters with them before and didn’t want to deal… admittedly, I can relate! So, the next layer of the onion revealed, we see , it isn’t about the time… it’s about the aggravation, the resistance to encounter conflict, the frustration of feeling she had no control. Surely, it takes a lot more time to do your laundry at the laundromat for 3 years than it will take Alice to get her washing machine repaired or replaced, but at least it’s predictable, within her control and creates no conflict and, misguided as it may be, doesn’t make Alice feel as if Sears is running her life.
One final part of the conversation had her discover that she was staying stuck with a broken washing machine because of a series of assumptions she was making. She was assuming that the conversation with Sears would be laden with conflict. She was assuming that conflict was bad, that she’d be considered a nasty,demanding person if she stood her ground and requested what she felt was a reasonable resolution, that she would get a run around and not actually reach resolution. And, so, based on those untested assumptions, she can’t change the sheets!

What Alice is facing is common. We say we want to change, we want to take action, do things differently but we make a lot of assumptions and then act as if they are true. Our desire to avoid (anticipated) discomfort, risk, conflict, possible failure, or possible success and its accompanying emotions has a stronger hold on us than our desire for the change. Can you relate?