I was talking to some women the other day about how busy we all are. One woman, Alice said, I don’t even have time to change the sheets. Then she went on to say, actually, she had time to change the sheets but she couldn’t wash them because her washing machine is broken. So, of course, someone asked her if she had a pair of clean sheets that she could put on the bed. Yes, she said. So, why can’t you change the sheets, we asked. I guess I could, she replied. And then she confessed that the washing machine had been broken for 3 years. We each gasped quietly… but the sound of the collective air suck was audible. One brave soul asked, have you changed the sheets since the machine broke 3 years ago? Alice laughed and said yes. We were all more than a little relieved. The conversation continued. Now that Alice was clear that she could change the sheets, it was time to peel the next layer of the onion. What she didn’t have time to do, she claimed, was to spend hours on the phone with Sears, trying to get her problem resolved. She had had some unsuccessful and unpleasant encounters with them before and didn’t want to deal… admittedly, I can relate! So, the next layer of the onion revealed, we see , it isn’t about the time… it’s about the aggravation, the resistance to encounter conflict, the frustration of feeling she had no control. Surely, it takes a lot more time to do your laundry at the laundromat for 3 years than it will take Alice to get her washing machine repaired or replaced, but at least it’s predictable, within her control and creates no conflict and, misguided as it may be, doesn’t make Alice feel as if Sears is running her life.
One final part of the conversation had her discover that she was staying stuck with a broken washing machine because of a series of assumptions she was making. She was assuming that the conversation with Sears would be laden with conflict. She was assuming that conflict was bad, that she’d be considered a nasty,demanding person if she stood her ground and requested what she felt was a reasonable resolution, that she would get a run around and not actually reach resolution. And, so, based on those untested assumptions, she can’t change the sheets!

What Alice is facing is common. We say we want to change, we want to take action, do things differently but we make a lot of assumptions and then act as if they are true. Our desire to avoid (anticipated) discomfort, risk, conflict, possible failure, or possible success and its accompanying emotions has a stronger hold on us than our desire for the change. Can you relate?