Alice: Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?
The Cat: That depends a good deal on where you want to get to
Alice: I don’t much care where.
The Cat: Then it doesn’t much matter which way you go.
Alice: …so long as I get somewhere.
The Cat: Oh, you’re sure to do that, if only you walk long enough.

Many of us head out along that path, away from somewhere but toward, we know not
where. Unfortunately, without an end goal or destination in mind, our
endless efforts to be happier, healthier and more fulfilled leave us tired
and frustrated. And, the farther we travel without a target, the
harder it will be to find our way back.  Each time we try and fail at
something, we fall back farther in terms or our optimism, energy, self
confidence and courage.  So it is important, before we set out on our
journey to change, that we have a clear sense of where we are trying to get
to.  What is the desired outcome of the change?  How will we KNOW when we
have been successful.  Who can help us get on the right path and stay
on course?  What are the milestones that will help you know you
are on track along the way? 

Like Alice, before we set out, we must be clear about our destination. 
Of these things we can be sure: time will pass, energy will be expended, our
hair will gray, our faces will wrinkle, our joints will stiffen.  But at the end
of the day, will we end up where we hoped we’d be?  Surely not if we don’t know
where that is.

Although overall, book sales are down, the Self Help book market continues to expand.  According to the Christian Science Monitor, in 1998, total revenue for the genre was just under $600 million.  By early 2008, it had mushroomed to over a billion dollars.  Why?  If you have one self help book on your shelf, I’m willing to bet you have 5.  We keep seeking the magic bullet, the one thing we can do or not do or say or not say or eat or not eat that will result in our having the life of our dreams.  Some of us are willing to do some work to reach the promised land.  So, we not only read the books, we faithfully do all the exercises.  Sure, we find them interesting, we gain some valuable insight, yet we can’t quite seem to turn it all into sustainable action. 

For the most part, we continue to do what we’ve always done, even though we just read everything we need to know to do it differently.   Do you want to know why?  Because we can only see what we can see from our side of our eyes.  When we respond to questions, do exercises or describe our current practices, we’re describing them as WE SEE THEM, not as they are seen by others.  We can’t see what others see.  We can’t ‘think outside the box’ because we’re in the box.  What we see is the walls around us and what’s on those walls is our own perceptions, paradigms, limiting beliefs, habits, unconscious behavior, inner voices.  They are the instructions for how to play it safe and stay inside the box.  In other words, the things we need to change are the very things that are preventing us from being able to change.  We need the support of someone who’s outside the box.

Think of it like a frozen, microwavable dinner entree.  The entree needs to be transformed from its solid, frozen state to a soft, hot state so that it is delicious and appealing.  Indulge me for a minute and imagine that the food has a brain and can think.  It knows it needs to be heated but it can’t do what it knows is necessary by itself.  Why not?  Because the instructions and the necessary resources are on the OUTSIDE OF THE BOX.  That’s true for you, too. Now, you are a lot more capable than a frozen dinner but, you need the support and resources that exist outside the box you live in.  You need to get a more complete picture and a different set of instructions that will guide you to take effective action.  You need a fresh, new set of eyes and ears to help you see your circumstances from a different perspective, to suggest new, more effective ways to respond to things, to test the beliefs you hold as true, to cheer you on as you take some risks.

One on one coaching and group coaching programs can provide just the right balance of external perspective, information, insight, support and accountability to help you act on your intentions and make the changes you want to make once and for all!

I used to wonder what the heck fear of success meant.  I mean, we all strive for success at whatever it is we are doing.  We want to be promoted, recognized, admired, acknowledged for our contribution…don’t we?  We say we do but I’ve discovered that when faced with the reality of success, some of us (myself included) get a little scared.  Will I be able to maintain this level of quality?  Will I be more visible and therefore my mistakes more easily noticed?  Will I have to work more hours?  Can I live up to my new found reputation?  Will my relationships change? Do I want to do what it takes to sustain my success?  What if people find out that I’m really not that good?  What if it doesn’t work out the way I had hoped it would?

Of course, in order to avoid dealing with these fears, we unconsciously sabotage ourselves.   Then we feel frustrated and demoralized because we’re not as successful as we (say) we’d like to be.  We get caught in a vicious cycle.

So, how do we get out of it?  First we need to identify what we are afraid might happen if we achieve the success we seek.  Then, we need to investigate and test the assumptions that make us believe these things might happen.  Is it true I’ll have to work longer and harder?  Is it true that I’m not as good as people think I am?  Why do they think I’m good when I’m no so sure?  Will my relationships change and if so, is that all right with me?  What new relationships might be created out of my success?  And so on. 

Our assumptions and the fears they create, more than our lack of skills and knowledge, are what keep us from acting on our stated intentions.   Only by bringing them out into the light can we wrestle them to their rightful size and step over them.

When we first begin working toward a change, we are usually really excited, full of energy and focused!  We see the value and can imagine our new self reaching our goal and taste the glory of getting great results.  So, what stops so many of us from carrying through on our intentions?  Fear.  And, if that fear is stronger than our desire to make the change, and it often is,  we get stuck.  Let me give you a personal example.  When I was developing a new coaching program I planned to launch, I found myself really excited.  I could just imagine being on a group coaching call with people who wanted to make changes and were ready to dive in.  I got so excited imagining myself guiding and supporting them through this process.  I could imagine their participation and how inspired they would feel.   When it came time to market the program, I found myself being distracted.  Anything and everything that crossed my desk got my attention.  I felt overwhelmed by the technology I thought I needed to understand and put in place in order to launch the program.  I got a major case of writer’s block and couldn’t write a blog post or a even a tweet.  My stomach felt tight, I felt really, really stuck.  And then, I asked myself a question I often ask my clients, “What are you afraid of?”  And, I got answers:  I’m afraid no one will register, I’m afraid it isn’t good enough, I’m afraid I’ll screw it up.  I”m afraid the materials won’t look professional, and on and on.  And then I called a friend.  (Remember, a friend in this case is someone you can call to get coached forward, not someone who will hop on your band wagon and join you in your pity party.)  And, here’s what my friend said:  “What ’s the worst thing that would happen if  no one registered?”  “Would you die?”  “Have you helped other people successfully in the past?”  “What will happen if everything isn’t absolutely perfect?”  “Have you ever been in a program where the facilitator made mistakes?  And what did you think?”  And the best one of all, “What will happen if you stay stuck?” 

Of course, the answer to the latter made me laugh… if I didn’t do anything, I could be absolutely, positively assured that no one would register because there wouldn’t be anything for them to register for!!  If I went for it and it didn’t go exactly as I’d like it to,  I knew it would still be tremendously valuable because I wouldn’t stop until I’d delivered the value I’d promised.  Then I’d use what I learned from the experience to keep moving forward.   I’m not perfect and no one (except me) expects me to be so, I gave it my best, and well, let’s just say, I needn’t have worried… but we do and…I’ll probably feel some fear the next time I try something new but, hopefully, it won’t last as long, be as deep and I’ll prove to myself once again, that I had nothing to fear in the end.