Why is it so hard for us to take care of ourselves?

Even when we give ourselves permission to take better care of ourselves, it can be a challenge.   There are many reasons for this.  Many of us claim we don’t have time.  In my last post, I suggested giving up somethings to free up some of your precious time.  Easier said than done, you might have found…  why is that?  Here are 3 reasons I see people bump up against.

Self-Care Roadblock #1: Control. OK, I know you aren’t a control freak.  Neither am I.  I just want things done when I want them done and I want them done right (aka, my way.)  That’s not controlling, that’s just good common sense, right?  Hmmm.   Ask your significant other or your kids.  They may see it a bit differently.  But until you are willing to let go and let others step in, do things their way, and yes, maybe even make a mistake or two, you will be bound to your obligation to ‘do it all’ and blocked from your desire to practice self-care.  If you let one load of pink underwear keep you tethered to the washing machine, you will be doing yourself a grave disservice.

Self-Care Roadblock #2:  Habits. We live so much of our lives on autopilot.  The things we do, the routines we follow have become habit.  When someone calls and asks us to do something for them or with them, something that we’ve always done, we often say yes out of habit.  We don’t even stop to think if it is something that we really want to do or that serves us to do, or if we even have an option.  I just experienced the perfect example.  My youngest son was at lacrosse practice and needed a ride home.  My husband was out and I was exhausted after a long day.  I dragged myself off the couch and got in the car and drove  to pick up my son.  No big deal.  It’s what mothers do, right?  Well, for many years, it’s what I’ve done, but now I have a son (my oldest) who has a newly acquired driver’s license and is perfectly capable of driving to the field to pick up his brother.  If only it had occurred to me to ask him to do it.  But I am in the habit of chauffering my kids around and so, on this night, like so many before it, out of sheer habit,  I grabbed the keys and did my duty.  Habit, an acquired behavior pattern regularly followed until it has become almost involuntary (Random House).  I am a creature of habit.  To some degree we all are.  And our habits, cause us to consume time we could be spending on self-care doing things we wish we didn’t have to do, don’t need to do, could stop doing!

Self-care roadblock #3:  Lack of accountability. We stink  at holding ourselves accountable.  We declare our intention and then, when something else comes up, or we just don’t feel like it, we let ourselves off the hook.  We, in effect, blow ourselves off in deference to some other demand.

I have a lot of clients who tell me they were going to go to the gym or they were going to meditate, but someone called and asked to see them during that block of time,   so they had to go and couldn’t do their intended self-care practice.  Here’s my response to that:  If you had an appointment scheduled with your boss, your doctor,  or your coach and someone else asked you to do something during that time,  would you rearrange your schedule?  Probably not.  I have a rule of thumb for those things:  if you don’t see smoke, blood or tears, it can probably wait!   Your commitments to yourself are as important as your commitments to others.  But that’s what they have to be:  commitments.   Not dalliances, not if it’s convenient… non-negotiable, stake in the ground promises to yourself, to be kept at all cost!

Often, having a buddy to support you helps.  You are much more likely to honor your commitment to yourself if you know that someone else is going to check in with you or if someone is waiting for you at the gym.  Tell someone your plans to practice self-care and ask him or her to join you, if it is an activity, or to encourage you and  check in with you to make sure you are doing it.

Another common self-care derailer is the practices of checking in with ourselves to see if we ‘feel like it.’  I have a client who had been pretty regular about exercising and she loved it… it was her form of self care, always feeling so much better after she was done.  She injured her foot and had to stop exercising for a while.  When she started up again, she had a really hard time… she had changed her routine and was now struggling getting back into her old rhythm.  Her mistake?  When she heard the little voice in her head say, “I don’t feel like it today.  I’ll go tomorrow”  she actually listened to herself.  Again, I ask, if you had an appointment to meet with your teacher, your child’s teacher or anyone else and you didn’t feel like it, would you still go?  Probably you would.  When it comes to holding yourself accountable for something, whether you feel like it or not is none of your business!  When you hear yourself weighing in on whether you feel like it or not,  the correct response is,  “thanks for sharing.  Now get in the car.”

So, in order to overcome 3 of the biggest barriers to making self-care a personal habit follow these guidelines:

1. Give up control
2. Identify what you are currently doing out of habit and replace those ineffective habits with new self-care habits
3. Make a commitment to yourself and hold yourself accountable.