Our negative thoughts are often excuses that serve as safety nets for  not doing things that are outside of our comfort zone.  Take for example me… and writing…  I have all sorts of stories in my head that I can’t write well, I have nothing interesting to say…in fact, as I’m writing this, I’m saying to myself “there are people who are nodding their head in agreement about those two statements.”

How motivating is that thought?  Makes me want to go make lunch, surf the web, walk on hot coals!  But, that would just lead to more self-deprecation, because,  at the end of the day, this blog post wouldn’t be written and then I’d really have a reason to beat myself up.  I could easily add that lack of completion to my catalog of stories about my ineptitude.   Ah, but enough about me… back to my point…

If we let our internal trash talk run us, we don’t get much done.
So, how do we excavate our mental garbage so we can find a clear
open space in which to create success?

Here are some ideas:

• Give up the notion that everything has to be perfect.
• Accept that everyone won’t love what you do or say.
• Reach out to your fans for support, encouragement, and a way to tap into your mental juice.
• Get started!  That’s often the biggest hurdle.
• Set small goals… I’m going to write for 15 minutes.  Then I give myself permission to stop if I still want to (chances are, I’ll be on a roll by then and I’ll keep going-as per the previous bullet).
• Develop bullet points to get yourself organized and create light posts to illuminate your path.
• Fill in the bullet points with more information or action items- individual bricks  make up the path and  give you a sense of measurable progress.
• Acknowledge yourself for each step that you take.
• Keep going, remembering not to strive for perfection. (You’ll get closer to it if you aren’t being a real-time critic—that will just send you in circles.)
• Continually start, do, stop, acknowledge, repeat!
• Take note of what works to get you unstuck.
• Remember this formula the next time your mental garbage gets in the way.

Now you have an excavation plan.  You’ll depend on it heavily for a
while.  And, soon, just like the Google map you rely on the first few
times you drive to a new, unfamiliar destination, you won’t need it
anymore.  Your well traveled path to success will be second nature.

So many women I know, wake up one morning and say, “Enough! I want my life back.” And then, they feel guilty and hop up out of bed, put their game face on, make breakfast for their tribe, pat the kids, kiss the dog and head to work, whether it be in or outside the home. It’s not that they don’t enjoy what they do to some extent and don’t get pleasure out of the contribution and expression of love that their work represents, it’s just that they are tired of it always being about someone else’s needs first  instead of their own.

So, how can you get past the guilt and reclaim at least a corner of your life as your own? First, let’s examine the guilt.

Guilt: remorse or self-reproach caused by feeling that one is responsible for a wrong or offense.  What is it we feel responsible for?  What offense will we have committed if we don’t put a well balanced meal on the table every night, if we go excercise at lunch time or curl up in a cozy corner and read a book?

 Guilt is often a powerful excuse for not taking risks and making changes.  It allows us to blame others and feel virtuous in doing so. 

 But guilt has a price:  “Nagging guilt is like gray paint splashed over life’s sparkling moments.” (Sally Shannon)

 Is it really guilt that we’re feeling or are we really saying, “I don’t know what else I’d do,” or “I don’t know who I’d be if I weren’t doing what I’m doing?” Our identities are so wrapped up in our labels and titles, and habits and even our whining, we fear we’ll disappear if we make changes. We’re so accustomed to being someone’s mom, someone’s wife, someone’s marketing manager, etc. etc., we don’t know who we really are, stripped of all that. So, is it guilt or is it fear?

Either way, you can get over it! Ask yourself some questions and dig deep for the answers.

1. What would I really like to be doing, if there was no one to consider but myself?
2. What have I always dreamed of doing but thought was impossible?
3. What would I do if I knew I could not fail?
4. What did I do in the past that I really miss?
5. What talents and passions are untapped?
6.  What is the worst thing that could happen if I incorporated just one of these things into my life?
7. What small thing could I be doing that would be an expression of my true self?
8. What achievable goals can I set for myself and hold my self accountable to?
9. What support do I need to get started on this and stay on track?

Whether it is guilt or fear, it is holding you back from living your happiest, healthiest, most fulfilled life.  Untangle the web that is shackling you and reclaim your one most precious life.

I just read an interview that Maria Shriver did with poet, Mary Oliver in the April issue of O Magazine. According to Oliver, “we all have a hungry heart. One thing we hunger for is happiness”. Right on, Mary!

If our hearts have such an appetite for happiness, why, then, is it so difficult for us to achieve it? It’s hard because it requires change. In order to become happier and more fulfilled we need to change what we think, believe, and do. And, change can feel risky. If we go back to what we know from Maslow and his hierarchy of needs, this all makes sense. Maslow tells us that we need to have our lower order needs of safety, security and belonging met before we can meet out higher order needs of self-esteem and self actualization. So, what is it about are safety, security and belonging needs that are in play? When we face change, we often worry about what others will think, or we feel we need to move on, leaving familiar relationships and patterns (love and belonging). We worry we might not be successful (safety-freedom from fear), or that the change will cost a lot or put a lot of money at risk and we might become a homeless bag lady if we don’t succeed (security)

These conflicting needs create a tension that leads to stress. In order to relieve the stress, we deny or ignore the needs. That works for a while, but, then our hearts regain their appetite and we long for greater happiness again. In order to satiate our hunger, we need to grow our risk tolerance (no easy task) or, more likely, we need to find ways to minimize the risks as we follow our dreams.

There are three birds sitting on a telephone wire along the side of the road.  One bird decides to fly away.  How many birds are left?

I bet you said two, right?  Sorry.  There are three.  One of the birds decided to fly away but I never said he actually did it.

How many of us are just like that little bird?  We decide and even declare our intention to do something but we don’t get into action?   Which brings me to the question, how are you doing on your dreams and goals?   Are you taking effective action or are you still sitting on the telephone wire ‘thinking about it’? Are you trying or are you doing?

If you have a BEHAG (Big Hairy Audacious Goal), it’s easy to get overwhelmed and stay on your comfortable perch!  Well, it’s easy, but it doesn’t feel good emotionally.   And by the way, any goal that involves change, can seem like a Big Deal, even if you know 10 other people who have successfully done what you’re trying to do.  You are your own unique self.  Your readiness and tolerance for change is different from anyone else’s.  That said, others may have similar barriers… remember one of my favorite bits of advice:  “Stop judging your insides by other people’s outsides.”

So, what’s keeping you white knuckling onto the telephone wire and what can you do to get off ?

Take one small step at a time.

1. Break your big goal down into tiny, manageable steps.
2. Ask yourself, “for each step, do I have all of the resources and information I need to take this step?”
3. If the answer is ‘no’, add a step about getting the necessary parts into place.  Gathering resources, equipment and information are oft forgotten steps in the process.
4. When you are clear about all of the steps,  set specific timeframes for yourself for each one.  Notice when you are saying words like ‘soon’ or ‘as soon as…’ or ‘try’ or ‘maybe’ and other non-committal phrases.  Replace those words with concrete dates and times.
5. Ensure that the deadlines you set for yourself are reasonable.  Hold yourself accountable to deadlines.
6. Get started.  The first step is often the hardest.  Once you feel the wind under your wings, you’ll be on your way to success.