A lot of people see me as someone who is pretty brave.  I’m fairly independent and self-sufficient.  I run my own business. I’m always busy with one thing or another.  I, however, don’t see myself as particularly bold.  I have been stopped by my fears a million times.  When it happens, it feels like coming to the end of a short tether.  I’m charging headlong into a project or the execution of an idea and, boom, I run out of rope and I am abruptly pulled up short.  I get virtual whiplash. Take for example, the time I was going to pitch myself as a speaker at a major women’s conference.  I was really excited.  I could see myself standing in front of a room full of women.  I made some notes about what I would propose and then, suddenly, I slammed on the brakes.  The force of my self doubt and inner fears about not being good enough stopped me in my tracks. I buried that dream and moved on.  That’s just one example.  I’ve been living that way for a long time.  When I was a senior in high school, I was supposed to spend six months living with a family and studying in France, but I chickened out and stayed home in my small suburban town instead.  I’m still regretting that one, almost 40 years later.   Each time I start something and don’t carry it out because of fear, I regret it.

So, sometime last spring, I decided it was time to put an end to that.  I thought that going skydiving might be just the thing to do to push me past my debilitating fear.  Up until that moment, skydiving was something I thought I wouldn’t do in a million years.  Now, I was thinking it was the answer to my challenges.  In a conversation with one of my clients, she told me of the many situations in which fear had kept her from doing things she’d wanted to do and I shared my idea about skydiving with her.  She was intrigued.  Two days later, we each got a Groupon in our inboxes for half off skydiving and we knew it was meant to be.  I asked others if they wanted to go and got a variety of responses ranging from ‘are you crazy?’to ‘I’d never do that but you go girl’ to my dear 75 year old friend saying, “I’m in!”

So last week, the three of us headed off to Sky Dive Pepperell, filled with excitement and trepidation, open to whatever our adventure would reveal to us.

And an adventure it was!  Sheer exhilaration and joy!  Not even a fraction as frightening as I had anticipated.

Here are some of my ‘ahas’ and take-aways:

1. Things are rarely as scary as you imagine they will be.
2. Thorough preparation helps allay fears and minimize danger. (Sky Dive Pepperell did an amazing job preparing us for our mission.)
3. Having an abundance of support is essential (We had each other and a competent crew at Sky Dive Pepperell)
4. Fear is heavy and burdensome.  Today I feel light and energized.
5. It’s important not to let other people’s opinions sway you from your own truth.  (I had many people question my sanity and try to talk me out of going.)
6. This feeling I have of not being afraid is how a lot of people who I admire live their lives.   Thing just don’t seem like such a big deal when you aren’t run by fear.

What life goals are you not reaching?  What are the fears that are stopping you?  What big bold move can you take to overcome them?

That’s what one of my clients said to me last week.  Who among us hasn’t had that thought?  Most of us grew up fueled by a dream of living happily ever after with prince charming and having a life of joy and abundance.  We never imagined the various challenges we would have tossed in our path.  We didn’t expect terrorism, recession, environmental threats, high unemployment, difficult marriages,  poor health or any of the other monkey wrenches we have encountered on the way to old age.  And we are unprepared to deal with the unexpected twists and turns of life.  We hang onto our idealized expectations and feel cheated and wronged that it didn’t turn out as we’d hoped.  Whether it is fair or not, we are where we are.  The best way to stay stuck is to tighten our grip on the perceived injustice of that.  If we want to break out of the place we’re in, we need to change our mindset.

1. Determine what’s really important to you. Sometimes we hang on to old dreams that are no longer relevant.  Reassess what you truly value and want and let go of the shoulds.
2. Focus on what you do have that makes you happy and find ways to get more of those things. What we think about expands, if we focus our attention on the positives, we will see and get more of them.
3. Let go of concerns about what others will think. Don’t let what you think others will think keep you stuck.  You might be surprised to learn that others admire your courage when you take a bold step to change.
4. Reach out to others. You’ll be amazed to find out how many others share you feelings and frustrations.  Instead of commiserating with each other, commit to taking action to change your circumstances and support and hold each other accountable.
5. Consult with experts. Learn effective ways to change your situation.  If you are in debt, talk to a financial professional.  If you have health issues, see a medical or wellness professional, etc.  What you know now is what got you to where you are now.  You need new information and insight in order to move beyond it.  Often the solution isn’t as daunting as you thought it would be.
6. Take action. Stop whining and worrying and begin to do something.  Take one small action every day that will move you closer to your dreams.
7. Be patient. You didn’t get to where you are in your life overnight and you won’t get out of it in a blink either.  Each small step will empower you, give you a sense of control and move you closer to your desired outcome.

So go ahead… Use the wisdom you have amassed over the years,  set new expectations and  live into those new hopes and dreams.  It’s not too late.

I opened my local newspaper today and found an inspiring column, written by a 14 year old who, with a number of other teens have made great strides in changing the world!  Marissa has formed a group of like minded teens who have done amazing things to help others and change the world.  They’ve collected used jeans for homeless teens, made and donated fleece blankets to  abused, neglected and emotionally disturbed children, baked and decorated gingerbread houses for nursing homes, hospices and rehab centers around town and more.  This 14 year old, wise and generous beyond her years, shared some ideas for how every individual can change their own frame of mind and make a difference in the world, one, small act at a time.  Here’s her list.

• Give a stranger a sincere compliment.
• At a restaurant, buy dessert for another family.
• Buy a bouquet of flowers for someone you care about.
• Let someone go ahead of you in line.
• Bake a batch of cookies to share with your co-workers.
• Talk with a homeless person or buy them a cup of coffee or a bagel.
• Write an appreciative letter to someone who has made a difference in your life.
• Write a note of appreciation to your mail carrier.
• Hold the door open for someone.
• Call or visit someone who is sick.
• Say “Good Morning.”
• Give someone a hug.
• Give your seat to someone who needs it more than you on a bus or train.
• Pay someone’s toll.
• Leave a generous tip.
• Make someone laugh.
• Donate clothes to a charity.
• Smile!
• Leave flowers on the doorstep of someone you don’t know; ring the doorbell and run.
• Make a card for someone you love.
• Pick up trash at a local park.
• Put a quarter in a parking meter that has expired.

And, my all time favorite:

• Be spontaneous.  Make an effort to act  on each and every kind thought.

Not only will these acts (and others you may think of) make others happy, but performing random acts of kindness feels great and it gives you an incredible burst of adrenaline.

Maybe we should stop reading the gloom and doom headlines and turn to our youth for hope and inspiration!  Thanks Marissa!

I’m in a funk!  I feel down, unmotivated, unproductive, lonely.  And, truth be told, I have good reason to be feeling this way.  For starters, read the newspaper.  There isn’t a lot of good news out there.  On top of that, I’m sending my first born off to college in a few weeks.  If you don’t think that’s rife with emotions, guess again.  Yesterday marked the 4th anniversary of my dad’s death.  That one creeps up on my out of nowhere every year.  I’m just back from a month ‘sabbatical’ on the coast of Maine and re-entry is proving challenging.  The summer is drawing to a close.  Enough?  There’s more but I won’t bore you with the details.

If you’ve been following me for long or know me well, you know that I’m not one to whine and complain.  So what’s up with this downer?

The first step in shifting your attitude and mood is to acknowledge it and try to understand what is causing it.  Identify what is and isn’t in your control;  honor the things that cannot be changed and act on the things that you can do something about.   So in my case, I can’t bring my father back but I can remember positive things about him and honor my feelings of sadness and loss.  I can’t reverse the stock market slide (sorry, wish I could) but I can sit down with my husband and take a look at our finances and our spending and take some appropriate, responsible action to cut back on spending.  That will give me a sense of intention and control.   I can, as I’m doing here, share my feelings with others and not internalize it all and think, “I’m the only one.”  And I can support others to turn their attitudes around too.  I can be  grateful for the wonderful 18 years I have had with my son living at home and be proud of him and us and be excitedly curious about who he will become as he launches into this next chapter of his life.   I can look around at my friends and neighbors and collect evidence that it all works out and they live through the separation process.  I can focus on the good fortune I do have and show gratitude because there are so many people in the world who are in far worse situations than I.   I can, above all, be gentle with myself and keep moving forward at the pace that I can, confident in what history can tell us:  “this too shall pass.”

I’d love to hear from you, how do you shake your funk or help others to do so?

Sometimes the seeming enormity of what lies  ahead of us as we contemplate making a change in our lives, stops us in our tracks.  We don’t even begin when we are staring ‘certain failure’ in the face.   Take for example, the woman who wants to lose 50 pounds, or the one who wants to make a significant mid-like career change.  How long will it take?  What hard work will she have to endure?  When will she see noticeable results?  Many of us, consider these questions and more and resign ourselves to staying stuck where we are.

But change, taken one step at a time, with built in support and milestones, can happen almost magically when done the right way.   This is one of my favorite stories about the power of getting started and taking baby steps until you reach your goals… and beyond.

Daffodil Garden

Several times my daughter had telephoned to say, “Mother, you must come to see the daffodils before they are over.”  I wanted to go, but it was a two-hour drive from Laguna to Lake Arrowhead.  “I will come next Tuesday”, I promised a little reluctantly on her third call.

Next Tuesday dawned cold and rainy.  Still, I had promised, and reluctantly I drove there.  When I finally walked into Carolyn’s house I was welcomed by the joyful sounds  of happy children.  I delightedly hugged and greeted my grandchildren.

“Forget the daffodils, Carolyn!  The road is invisible in these clouds and fog, and there is nothing in the world except you and these children that I want to see badly enough to drive another inch!”

My daughter smiled calmly and said, “We drive in this all the time, Mother.”  “Well, you won’t get me back on the road until it clears, and then I’m heading for home!” I assured her.

“But first we’re going  to see the daffodils.  It’s just a few blocks, “Carolyn said.  “I’ll drive.  I’m used to this.”

“Carolyn,” I said sternly, “Please turn around.”  “It’s all right, Mother, promise.  You will never forgive yourself if you miss this experience.”

After about twenty  minutes, we turned onto a small gravel road and I saw a small church. On the far side of the church, I saw a hand lettered sign with an arrow that read,  “Daffodil  Garden.”  We got out of the car, each took a child’s hand, and I followed Carolyn down the path.  Then, as we turned a corner, I looked up and gasped.  Before me lay the most glorious sight.  It looked as though someone had taken a great vat of gold and poured it over the mountain peak and its surrounding slopes.  The flowers were planted in majestic, swirling patterns, great ribbons and swaths of deep orange, creamy
white, lemon yellow, salmon pink, and saffron and butter yellow.  Each different-colored variety was  planted in large groups so that it swirled and flowed like its own river with  its own unique hue. There were five acres of flowers.

“Who did  this?”  I asked Carolyn.  “Just one woman,” Carolyn answered.  “She lives on  the property. That’s her home.”  Carolyn pointed to a well-kept A-frame  house, small and modestly sitting in the midst of all that glory.  We walked up  to the house.  On the patio, we saw a poster. “Answers to the  Questions I Know You Are Asking”, was the headline. The first answer was a  simple one. “50,000 bulbs,” it read. The second answer was, “One at a time,  by one woman. Two hands, two feet, and one brain.” The third answer was “Began in 1958.”

For me, that moment was a life-changing experience.  I thought of this woman whom I had never met, who, more than forty years before, had begun, one bulb at a time, to bring her vision of beauty and joy to an  obscure mountaintop.  Planting one bulb at a time, year after year, this unknown  woman had forever changed the world in which she lived One day at a time, she  had created something of extraordinary magnificence, beauty, and inspiration.  The principle her daffodil garden taught is one of the greatest principles  of
celebration.

That is, learning to  move toward our goals and desires one step at a time–often just one baby-step  at time–and learning to love the doing, learning to use the accumulation of time. When we multiply tiny pieces of time with small increments of daily  effort, we too will find we can accomplish magnificent things. We can change the  world .

“It makes me sad in a way,” I admitted to Carolyn. “What  might I have accomplished if I had thought of a wonderful goal thirty-five or  forty years ago and had worked away at it ‘one bulb at a time’ through all those  years? Just think what I might have been able to achieve!”

My daughter summed up the message of the day in her usual direct way.  “Start tomorrow,” she said.  She was right. It’s so pointless to think of the lost hours of yesterdays.  The way to make learning a lesson of celebration  instead of a cause for
regret is to only ask, “How can I put this to use  today?”

Use the Daffodil Principle. Stop waiting…..

Until your car or home is paid off
Until you get  a new car or home
Until your kids leave the house
Until you go  back to school
Until you finish school
Until you clean the  house
Until you organize the garage
Until you clean off your  desk
Until you lose 10 lbs.
Until you gain 10  lbs.
Until you get married
Until you get a  divorce
Until you have kids
Until the kids go to  school
Until you retire
Until summer
Until  spring
Until winter
Until fall
Until you  die…

There is no better time than right now to be happy.

Happiness is a  journey, not a destination.

So work like you don’t  need money.

Love like you’ve never  been hurt, and, Dance like no one’s watching.

Don’t be afraid that your life will end, be afraid  that it will never begin.

~anonymous