Ego is engaged when we have to be right, need to look good, are afraid to fail.

When we are in the realm of possibility, we are open, curious, calm.

I had a client, Donna, who wanted to lose 10 pounds… you know, that last 10 pounds you want to lose for years?  I asked her what she had tried before and she gave me a list of diet programs she had tried to follow.  She said they didn’t work because she felt deprived, had to think really hard about what foods to eat and what not to and, in the end, when she wasn’t successful, she beat herself up, told herself she was bad and wrong… and, or course, ate to sooth her feelings.  In a word, Donna stayed stuck.

I suggested that she forget about the weight loss goal for a moment and to just imagine what was possible for her if she was at her goal weight… forget how you might do it or whether you should or shouldn’t… just feel what opportunity is available to you if you are at your idea of an ideal weight.  She lit up, she was inspired. She saw herself feeling light and energetic and active and strong.  She saw herself feeling fit and positive… She was inspired by the possibility of being that fit, energetic person.  With that inspiration and vision in mind, we set out to create a plan for her to lose the 10 pounds… driven from the heart, not the ego.

I had another client,  Jane who wanted to get back into an exercise routine but couldn’t find the time and get into the habit.  Again, I asked her to think about what was possible for her if she were exercising?  She created a compelling vision of herself strong and fit and energetic.  With that as a backdrop… we began to work on the how.  Along the way, each time she found herself resisting going to the gym or working out, I asked her to notice what was running the show… her head full of ‘shoulds’ and reasons why not, or possibility, overflowing with energy and inspiration?  So, I suggested that she NOT check in with her head on the matter of whether she was going to go to the gym and just make a conscious choice to check in with her source of inspiration, her heart.  Her first response when I suggested that was, “oh, that will never work for me,”  a comment coming from the head, by the way.  So, I pressed on and asked, are you willing to consider the possibility that it might work?    She agreed and sure enough, she found herself getting exercise regularly, enjoying it and miraculously, other things got done too.

The show stoppers tend to be things coming from your head.  When you go back to your heart, you get moving.

As Peter Drucker said, “The Best Way to Predict the Future is to Create it.”  And, the best way to create it is to imagine and be open to all of the possibilities, rather than drawing on all of the history, memories, fears.

Well, if it were REALLY that easy, if you could have health, wealth, happiness and fulfillment by just doing a few things differently, why isn’t the planet overrun with wealthy, joyful, richly related, fit, satisfied people?

Because while the mechanics of life are simple, and any of us can learn them, our inner world isn’t so clear cut.  Feelings and emotions are messy.  The scripts we’ve developed, the beliefs we hold dear, the assumptions we make, the fears we harbor come into play and get in the way of our ‘just doing…” They make what others say is easy, really, really hard.  In fact, it is our internal processes that create our most challenging roadblocks.

In order to be successful, we need to understand our values, our feelings and our fears and make some shifts from the inside out.

When you find yourself stuck, unable to ‘just do…”  ask yourself, “What is in the way of my doing this?”  Listen carefully to the voice in your head or the movie that is playing there.  Do you hear someone saying, “who do you think you are thinking you can do this?”  Or do you see a loved one criticizing or disapproving?”  Do you jump to an internal dialog that sounds something like, “What if this doesn’t work out?”

Pay attention to how your body feels.  When you first think about moving toward your idea or dream do you feel excited, only to have that followed by a different sensation, perhaps one of fear or overwhelm?  Can you feel heaviness in your body or a lump in your throat?

Your thoughts and feelings have real power over you.  In order to keep moving forward toward your goals, you have to pay attention to your whole body in order to know how to re-empower your deflated sense of excitement.

You have to reprogram yourself to catch yourself when your inner voice and inner movie projector throw up road blocks.

The first step is awareness.  Get to know your body’s signals.  What messages are you sending yourself?  What do they mean?  What is going on in your mind and your body that is causing you to be stopped?  Where do these messages come from?  How can you counter them?

Disempower your negative thoughts. If you notice that you are having negative thoughts like, “I can’t”, “it won’t work out”, “I shouldn’t…”, ask yourself,  “Is this true?”  By true I don’t mean is it possible that it might happen.  I mean, is this absolutely, irrefutably true?  If it is not true, ask yourself, “What is the truth in this situation?” If it is true, ask yourself, “So what?  What is the worst thing that could happen if that outcome occurred?” Let’s say you can hear your best friend’s voice saying, “Remember the last time you did…? It was a complete disaster.  What makes you think this will be any different?”  You automatically start thinking, “She’s right.  I could never do this.”  Is it true that you failed before?  Maybe it is.  Is it absolutely true that you will fail again?  No.  And even if you do fail again, what’s the worst thing that can happen?  You are guaranteed not to succeed if you don’t try.  Would you rather go down swinging or on a called strike?  And, finally, consider what you can do to minimize your risk.

Acknowledge, understand  and work through your feelings. For many people, feelings get in the way of showcasing their true greatness.  The feelings may show up as embarrassment, overwhelm, feeling stupid.  Underneath those feelings is fear.  Fear of losing face, fear of failure, fear of asking for help and looking stupid, fear of upsetting others or the status quo.  When we dig deep to discover the basis of our feelings, we can pinpoint what we need to do to move through them.  Feelings should not be ignored. They convey important information and it is important to understand them, heed their messages and learn from them.  One of my clients was really excited about a possible new job opportunity.  She loved everything about it except that it would require that she be out at events several evenings a month.  This didn’t bother her but she was afraid it would upset her husband and put her marriage at risk.  That thought was so scary to her, she decided not to pursue the opportunity.  When I asked her if she had asked her husband about it, she said, “no”.  She just assumed it would be a problem, feared the impact and acted on that fear.  Identifying the fear and understanding it’s source, gave her the direction she needed to take some effective action.  She spoke to her husband about it and learned that while it wouldn’t be his first choice to have her out a lot, he was excited about this opportunity for her and would be willing to make it work.

It may not be as easy as 1-2-3, but you can overcome your fears and allow your true greatness to shine!

1. Like any commitment you make, you have to have a strategy and it has to be written down   (I resist writing things down because then it’s real and I might fail.)
2. You have to go public with your strategy.  It helps you be accountable. (See parenthesis in #1… failure is even worse when it’s public.)
3. Blog posts don’t have to be perfect.  (There is no such thing so good luck with that, anyway.)
4. Every blog post won’t resonate with every reader.  That’s OK.
5. Get your priorities straight!  I realized I was spending a tremendous amount of time doing work that, while high paying, didn’t make my heart sing and, in fact, took me away from the work I truly love and can make a good living at.

So, it’s time for a change…

This year I will:

• blog at least twice a week, every week.
• be sure all of my blog posts are useful, informative and/or inspiring but not perfect.
• reach 3 times as many readers as I do now.
• efficiently link all of my social media platforms together.
• check in with my heart regularly to be sure what I am working on is aligned with my life purpose and my soul’s work.
• surround myself with upbeat, supportive people
• ask for help when I get stuck
• be of service.

How about you?  What are you up to for 2012?

A lot of people see me as someone who is pretty brave.  I’m fairly independent and self-sufficient.  I run my own business. I’m always busy with one thing or another.  I, however, don’t see myself as particularly bold.  I have been stopped by my fears a million times.  When it happens, it feels like coming to the end of a short tether.  I’m charging headlong into a project or the execution of an idea and, boom, I run out of rope and I am abruptly pulled up short.  I get virtual whiplash. Take for example, the time I was going to pitch myself as a speaker at a major women’s conference.  I was really excited.  I could see myself standing in front of a room full of women.  I made some notes about what I would propose and then, suddenly, I slammed on the brakes.  The force of my self doubt and inner fears about not being good enough stopped me in my tracks. I buried that dream and moved on.  That’s just one example.  I’ve been living that way for a long time.  When I was a senior in high school, I was supposed to spend six months living with a family and studying in France, but I chickened out and stayed home in my small suburban town instead.  I’m still regretting that one, almost 40 years later.   Each time I start something and don’t carry it out because of fear, I regret it.

So, sometime last spring, I decided it was time to put an end to that.  I thought that going skydiving might be just the thing to do to push me past my debilitating fear.  Up until that moment, skydiving was something I thought I wouldn’t do in a million years.  Now, I was thinking it was the answer to my challenges.  In a conversation with one of my clients, she told me of the many situations in which fear had kept her from doing things she’d wanted to do and I shared my idea about skydiving with her.  She was intrigued.  Two days later, we each got a Groupon in our inboxes for half off skydiving and we knew it was meant to be.  I asked others if they wanted to go and got a variety of responses ranging from ‘are you crazy?’to ‘I’d never do that but you go girl’ to my dear 75 year old friend saying, “I’m in!”

So last week, the three of us headed off to Sky Dive Pepperell, filled with excitement and trepidation, open to whatever our adventure would reveal to us.

And an adventure it was!  Sheer exhilaration and joy!  Not even a fraction as frightening as I had anticipated.

Here are some of my ‘ahas’ and take-aways:

1. Things are rarely as scary as you imagine they will be.
2. Thorough preparation helps allay fears and minimize danger. (Sky Dive Pepperell did an amazing job preparing us for our mission.)
3. Having an abundance of support is essential (We had each other and a competent crew at Sky Dive Pepperell)
4. Fear is heavy and burdensome.  Today I feel light and energized.
5. It’s important not to let other people’s opinions sway you from your own truth.  (I had many people question my sanity and try to talk me out of going.)
6. This feeling I have of not being afraid is how a lot of people who I admire live their lives.   Thing just don’t seem like such a big deal when you aren’t run by fear.

What life goals are you not reaching?  What are the fears that are stopping you?  What big bold move can you take to overcome them?

1. Determine what’s really important to you. Sometimes we hang on to old dreams that are no longer relevant.  Reassess what you truly value and want and let go of the shoulds.
2. Focus on what you do have that makes you happy and find ways to get more of those things. What we think about expands, if we focus our attention on the positives, we will see and get more of them.
3. Let go of concerns about what others will think. Don’t let what you think others will think keep you stuck.  You might be surprised to learn that others admire your courage when you take a bold step to change.
4. Reach out to others. You’ll be amazed to find out how many others share you feelings and frustrations.  Instead of commiserating with each other, commit to taking action to change your circumstances and support and hold each other accountable.
5. Consult with experts. Learn effective ways to change your situation.  If you are in debt, talk to a financial professional.  If you have health issues, see a medical or wellness professional, etc.  What you know now is what got you to where you are now.  You need new information and insight in order to move beyond it.  Often the solution isn’t as daunting as you thought it would be.
6. Take action. Stop whining and worrying and begin to do something.  Take one small action every day that will move you closer to your dreams.
7. Be patient. You didn’t get to where you are in your life overnight and you won’t get out of it in a blink either.  Each small step will empower you, give you a sense of control and move you closer to your desired outcome.

So go ahead… Use the wisdom you have amassed over the years,  set new expectations and  live into those new hopes and dreams.  It’s not too late.

And, I have ‘good reasons’ for this.  I’m still a paper person.  I work better with paper content than from reading on the computer so I need to print a lot of things and thus have a lot of  ‘stuff’.   I AM A VERY BUSY PERSON! I don’t have time to clean up my stuff. Everything that I’m doing is extremely important!    And all my good reasons?  Well, they are really nothing more than excuses;  stories I tell myself that make me feel justified in continuing to live in clutter.  My ubiquitous piles drive my husband crazy.  I know this but it isn’t enough to make me change.  The time that I clean up my act is when my mess begins to bother me.  Looking around and seeing piles in every room I enter, eventually, stresses me out. It robs me of joy.  I’m at that stage  now.  It is time to create new, more effective habits so that I can get out of this cycle once and for all.  So, you are my witnesses:  I declare, today, I am going to build my clean up muscle.  I’m going to create new practices that will leave my desk (and every other flat surface in my house) clear of piles, every day.  Yikes.  Did I just go public with that?  Is everyone reading this blog going to hold me accountable for taking action?

I’m having all of the reactions anyone would have when making a public commitment to make a change.  ‘Can I do this?’  ‘Do I really want to do this?’  ‘What if I fail?’  ‘Where do I begin?’

Take a deep breath, make a plan, get into action.

OK, here goes:

1. I will create systems so that I will have a place to put ongoing work that is easy to find
2. I will purge all of my old files to make room for current ones
3. I will create folders for each different project I am working on and clearly mark them for easy retrieval
4. When I am finished working on something, I will put it away before beginning anything else
5. I will ask my husband (oh… this is going to be hard)… to gently remind me when he notices that I am not putting things away.

Why am I doing this?  What’s in it for me to suffer the process?  (Might as well tell it like it is… this feels like torture to me)

1. I feel badly about myself when I am surrounded by clutter
2. I feel joyful and lighter when my space is clear and neat
3. I save an enormous amount of time finding things when I am organized and things are in their place
4. I will feel more confident and in control

What resources do I need?

1. File drawer space
2. File racks for the top of my desk
3. Lots of file folders
4. A marker
5. A system for where to put things

What Support do I need?

1. My family- to remind me
2. My readers/followers-to hold me accountable
3. Advice from friends who are organized (Donna, Jane, Brenda)
4. A professional organizer?

What new thoughts do I have to adopt?

1. My reasons for not putting things away are excuses.
2. I have plenty of time to put things away.

What are my first steps?

1. Visualize my life as an organized person with clean, clear space.
2. Go to Staples to buy file folders
3. Each day for the next week, I will spend 30 minutes purging old files.
4. When the files are purged, I will create new folders and put all of the appropriate papers in them and put them away.
5. I will practice reading more on the screen without printing and file things in an organized way on my computer.

After I deal with my paper clutter, I’ll move on to my computer clutter.  But, one thing at a time.

OK.  I’m off.  I’ll keep you posted and I’d love to hear your thoughts.  Or, if you want to join me by beginning to change one of your vexing habits, jump in.  We can support each other.  Just comment below as often as you like and we’ll all work together!

I just returned from ‘Spark and Hustle‘,  a 3 day conference for women entrepreneurs, put on by Tory Johnson, best knows as the Workplace Contributor on ‘Good Morning America.’  Tory lined up an amazing cast of smart, successful, inspiring speakers to share information and inspiration with about 200 women entrepreneurs.   I left with so many fabulous ideas,  but most importantly, I gained focus and clarity for my coaching business.  And, then, this morning, it was no accident that I heard Johnny Nash’s song, “I Can See Clearly Now” on the radio.   It’s hard to listen to that song  without feeling good. It’s just one of those songs that is uplifting and puts a smile on my face. And, as I listened to it today, it made me think about the importance of seeing clearly when you are trying to make a change. I thought about all of the times when I’ve felt excited about something, optimistic and energized, only to land squarely back in my old stuck place because I hadn’t created a clear path to my destination. Optimism is a necessary start to the change process but it isn’t enough. Seeing clearly is an important theme in change from start to finish. Can you clearly see the rainbow at the end of your efforts? Your vision for what you hope to create? Can you clearly see the reason you are trying to make the change(s) you are trying to make and is that reason motivating? Are you clear about the potential obstacles you will encounter and do you have a solid plan for how you will overcome them? Have you identified the bad feelings that are standing in your way and can you make them all disappear  so you can take positive action? Can you let go of self-doubt, anger, guilt, judgment and turn them around to self-assurance, acceptance, forgiveness and compassion? In the song, the lyrics tell us that the dark clouds have gone away, there’s nothing but blue sky, yet in the video, we see clouds.  When you look around your life, do you  notice what’s good and positive or do you dwell on the lingering clouds?

Clarity is key to successful change. Anything less will keep you stuck!  Go ahead, treat yourself.  Listen again.

When your goal is clear, it is much easier to design an action plan that will help you reach it. What’s the specific change you want to make? What concrete actions will you take to make the change? When will you take those actions?

Not sure yet what specific change you’d like to make to in order to be happier, healthier and more fulfilled? Come back in a few days. I’ll address that in my next post.

So, how can you get past the guilt and reclaim at least a corner of your life as your own? First, let’s examine the guilt.

Guilt: remorse or self-reproach caused by feeling that one is responsible for a wrong or offense.  What is it we feel responsible for?  What offense will we have committed if we don’t put a well balanced meal on the table every night, if we go excercise at lunch time or curl up in a cozy corner and read a book?

 Guilt is often a powerful excuse for not taking risks and making changes.  It allows us to blame others and feel virtuous in doing so. 

 But guilt has a price:  “Nagging guilt is like gray paint splashed over life’s sparkling moments.” (Sally Shannon)

 Is it really guilt that we’re feeling or are we really saying, “I don’t know what else I’d do,” or “I don’t know who I’d be if I weren’t doing what I’m doing?” Our identities are so wrapped up in our labels and titles, and habits and even our whining, we fear we’ll disappear if we make changes. We’re so accustomed to being someone’s mom, someone’s wife, someone’s marketing manager, etc. etc., we don’t know who we really are, stripped of all that. So, is it guilt or is it fear?

Either way, you can get over it! Ask yourself some questions and dig deep for the answers.

1. What would I really like to be doing, if there was no one to consider but myself?
2. What have I always dreamed of doing but thought was impossible?
3. What would I do if I knew I could not fail?
4. What did I do in the past that I really miss?
5. What talents and passions are untapped?
6.  What is the worst thing that could happen if I incorporated just one of these things into my life?
7. What small thing could I be doing that would be an expression of my true self?
8. What achievable goals can I set for myself and hold my self accountable to?
9. What support do I need to get started on this and stay on track?

Whether it is guilt or fear, it is holding you back from living your happiest, healthiest, most fulfilled life.  Untangle the web that is shackling you and reclaim your one most precious life.

I bet you said two, right?  Sorry.  There are three.  One of the birds decided to fly away but I never said he actually did it.

How many of us are just like that little bird?  We decide and even declare our intention to do something but we don’t get into action?   Which brings me to the question, how are you doing on your dreams and goals?   Are you taking effective action or are you still sitting on the telephone wire ‘thinking about it’? Are you trying or are you doing?

If you have a BEHAG (Big Hairy Audacious Goal), it’s easy to get overwhelmed and stay on your comfortable perch!  Well, it’s easy, but it doesn’t feel good emotionally.   And by the way, any goal that involves change, can seem like a Big Deal, even if you know 10 other people who have successfully done what you’re trying to do.  You are your own unique self.  Your readiness and tolerance for change is different from anyone else’s.  That said, others may have similar barriers… remember one of my favorite bits of advice:  “Stop judging your insides by other people’s outsides.”

So, what’s keeping you white knuckling onto the telephone wire and what can you do to get off ?

Take one small step at a time.

1. Break your big goal down into tiny, manageable steps.
2. Ask yourself, “for each step, do I have all of the resources and information I need to take this step?”
3. If the answer is ‘no’, add a step about getting the necessary parts into place.  Gathering resources, equipment and information are oft forgotten steps in the process.
4. When you are clear about all of the steps,  set specific timeframes for yourself for each one.  Notice when you are saying words like ‘soon’ or ‘as soon as…’ or ‘try’ or ‘maybe’ and other non-committal phrases.  Replace those words with concrete dates and times.
5. Ensure that the deadlines you set for yourself are reasonable.  Hold yourself accountable to deadlines.
6. Get started.  The first step is often the hardest.  Once you feel the wind under your wings, you’ll be on your way to success.