That’s what one of my clients said to me last week.  Who among us hasn’t had that thought?  Most of us grew up fueled by a dream of living happily ever after with prince charming and having a life of joy and abundance.  We never imagined the various challenges we would have tossed in our path.  We didn’t expect terrorism, recession, environmental threats, high unemployment, difficult marriages,  poor health or any of the other monkey wrenches we have encountered on the way to old age.  And we are unprepared to deal with the unexpected twists and turns of life.  We hang onto our idealized expectations and feel cheated and wronged that it didn’t turn out as we’d hoped.  Whether it is fair or not, we are where we are.  The best way to stay stuck is to tighten our grip on the perceived injustice of that.  If we want to break out of the place we’re in, we need to change our mindset.

1. Determine what’s really important to you. Sometimes we hang on to old dreams that are no longer relevant.  Reassess what you truly value and want and let go of the shoulds.
2. Focus on what you do have that makes you happy and find ways to get more of those things. What we think about expands, if we focus our attention on the positives, we will see and get more of them.
3. Let go of concerns about what others will think. Don’t let what you think others will think keep you stuck.  You might be surprised to learn that others admire your courage when you take a bold step to change.
4. Reach out to others. You’ll be amazed to find out how many others share you feelings and frustrations.  Instead of commiserating with each other, commit to taking action to change your circumstances and support and hold each other accountable.
5. Consult with experts. Learn effective ways to change your situation.  If you are in debt, talk to a financial professional.  If you have health issues, see a medical or wellness professional, etc.  What you know now is what got you to where you are now.  You need new information and insight in order to move beyond it.  Often the solution isn’t as daunting as you thought it would be.
6. Take action. Stop whining and worrying and begin to do something.  Take one small action every day that will move you closer to your dreams.
7. Be patient. You didn’t get to where you are in your life overnight and you won’t get out of it in a blink either.  Each small step will empower you, give you a sense of control and move you closer to your desired outcome.

So go ahead… Use the wisdom you have amassed over the years,  set new expectations and  live into those new hopes and dreams.  It’s not too late.

Do you put all of your toys away before you go to bed?  Yes, I’m talking to you, the mom, the adult.  I’m not   talking to a group of kindergartners.  My question is, when you are finished with something, do you put it away where it belongs before moving on to the next thing or are you perpetually surrounded by clutter?  True confessions:  I fall into the latter category.  I’m a clutter queen.  If you are a neat-nik, I honor, no worship you.  You have created great habits.  I have created some very bad habits.  I work on several projects at a time and jump to the next thing before finishing the first.  I leave piles of my ‘stuff’ all over the place.

And, I have ‘good reasons’ for this.  I’m still a paper person.  I work better with paper content than from reading on the computer so I need to print a lot of things and thus have a lot of  ‘stuff’.   I AM A VERY BUSY PERSON! I don’t have time to clean up my stuff. Everything that I’m doing is extremely important!    And all my good reasons?  Well, they are really nothing more than excuses;  stories I tell myself that make me feel justified in continuing to live in clutter.  My ubiquitous piles drive my husband crazy.  I know this but it isn’t enough to make me change.  The time that I clean up my act is when my mess begins to bother me.  Looking around and seeing piles in every room I enter, eventually, stresses me out. It robs me of joy.  I’m at that stage  now.  It is time to create new, more effective habits so that I can get out of this cycle once and for all.  So, you are my witnesses:  I declare, today, I am going to build my clean up muscle.  I’m going to create new practices that will leave my desk (and every other flat surface in my house) clear of piles, every day.  Yikes.  Did I just go public with that?  Is everyone reading this blog going to hold me accountable for taking action?

I’m having all of the reactions anyone would have when making a public commitment to make a change.  ‘Can I do this?’  ‘Do I really want to do this?’  ‘What if I fail?’  ‘Where do I begin?’

Take a deep breath, make a plan, get into action.

OK, here goes:

1. I will create systems so that I will have a place to put ongoing work that is easy to find
2. I will purge all of my old files to make room for current ones
3. I will create folders for each different project I am working on and clearly mark them for easy retrieval
4. When I am finished working on something, I will put it away before beginning anything else
5. I will ask my husband (oh… this is going to be hard)… to gently remind me when he notices that I am not putting things away.

Why am I doing this?  What’s in it for me to suffer the process?  (Might as well tell it like it is… this feels like torture to me)

1. I feel badly about myself when I am surrounded by clutter
2. I feel joyful and lighter when my space is clear and neat
3. I save an enormous amount of time finding things when I am organized and things are in their place
4. I will feel more confident and in control

What resources do I need?

1. File drawer space
2. File racks for the top of my desk
3. Lots of file folders
4. A marker
5. A system for where to put things

What Support do I need?

1. My family- to remind me
2. My readers/followers-to hold me accountable
3. Advice from friends who are organized (Donna, Jane, Brenda)
4. A professional organizer?

What new thoughts do I have to adopt?

1. My reasons for not putting things away are excuses.
2. I have plenty of time to put things away.

What are my first steps?

1. Visualize my life as an organized person with clean, clear space.
2. Go to Staples to buy file folders
3. Each day for the next week, I will spend 30 minutes purging old files.
4. When the files are purged, I will create new folders and put all of the appropriate papers in them and put them away.
5. I will practice reading more on the screen without printing and file things in an organized way on my computer.

After I deal with my paper clutter, I’ll move on to my computer clutter.  But, one thing at a time.

OK.  I’m off.  I’ll keep you posted and I’d love to hear your thoughts.  Or, if you want to join me by beginning to change one of your vexing habits, jump in.  We can support each other.  Just comment below as often as you like and we’ll all work together!

I just returned from ‘Spark and Hustle‘,  a 3 day conference for women entrepreneurs, put on by Tory Johnson, best knows as the Workplace Contributor on ‘Good Morning America.’  Tory lined up an amazing cast of smart, successful, inspiring speakers to share information and inspiration with about 200 women entrepreneurs.   I left with so many fabulous ideas,  but most importantly, I gained focus and clarity for my coaching business.  And, then, this morning, it was no accident that I heard Johnny Nash’s song, “I Can See Clearly Now” on the radio.   It’s hard to listen to that song  without feeling good. It’s just one of those songs that is uplifting and puts a smile on my face. And, as I listened to it today, it made me think about the importance of seeing clearly when you are trying to make a change. I thought about all of the times when I’ve felt excited about something, optimistic and energized, only to land squarely back in my old stuck place because I hadn’t created a clear path to my destination. Optimism is a necessary start to the change process but it isn’t enough. Seeing clearly is an important theme in change from start to finish. Can you clearly see the rainbow at the end of your efforts? Your vision for what you hope to create? Can you clearly see the reason you are trying to make the change(s) you are trying to make and is that reason motivating? Are you clear about the potential obstacles you will encounter and do you have a solid plan for how you will overcome them? Have you identified the bad feelings that are standing in your way and can you make them all disappear  so you can take positive action? Can you let go of self-doubt, anger, guilt, judgment and turn them around to self-assurance, acceptance, forgiveness and compassion? In the song, the lyrics tell us that the dark clouds have gone away, there’s nothing but blue sky, yet in the video, we see clouds.  When you look around your life, do you  notice what’s good and positive or do you dwell on the lingering clouds?

Clarity is key to successful change. Anything less will keep you stuck!  Go ahead, treat yourself.  Listen again.

You can’t consciously change what you can’t describe. So many people tell me they want to improve their relationships, be healthier, get organized. But what does that really mean? Some people can easily answer that question. “I want to spend at least one night a week doing something with my husband, just the two of us. I want to walk 2 miles a day, 3 days a week, I want to make the beds and wash the dishes in the sink before I leave the house in the morning. When you have that clarity, it is easy to create specific action steps to move toward them. You pick dates for your time with you hubby and write them in your calendar. You make a list of the things you’d like the two of you to do together and work your way through the list, doing one thing each week. You decide when during the day is best for you to walk. You determine which days you’ll walk. You mark the day and time in your calendar, as an appointment with yourself and you honor it, just as you would honor a meeting with someone else. In fact, it’s best if you find a buddy to walk with or to check in with so you keep your commitment.

When your goal is clear, it is much easier to design an action plan that will help you reach it. What’s the specific change you want to make? What concrete actions will you take to make the change? When will you take those actions?

Not sure yet what specific change you’d like to make to in order to be happier, healthier and more fulfilled? Come back in a few days. I’ll address that in my next post.

So many women I know, wake up one morning and say, “Enough! I want my life back.” And then, they feel guilty and hop up out of bed, put their game face on, make breakfast for their tribe, pat the kids, kiss the dog and head to work, whether it be in or outside the home. It’s not that they don’t enjoy what they do to some extent and don’t get pleasure out of the contribution and expression of love that their work represents, it’s just that they are tired of it always being about someone else’s needs first  instead of their own.

So, how can you get past the guilt and reclaim at least a corner of your life as your own? First, let’s examine the guilt.

Guilt: remorse or self-reproach caused by feeling that one is responsible for a wrong or offense.  What is it we feel responsible for?  What offense will we have committed if we don’t put a well balanced meal on the table every night, if we go excercise at lunch time or curl up in a cozy corner and read a book?

 Guilt is often a powerful excuse for not taking risks and making changes.  It allows us to blame others and feel virtuous in doing so. 

 But guilt has a price:  “Nagging guilt is like gray paint splashed over life’s sparkling moments.” (Sally Shannon)

 Is it really guilt that we’re feeling or are we really saying, “I don’t know what else I’d do,” or “I don’t know who I’d be if I weren’t doing what I’m doing?” Our identities are so wrapped up in our labels and titles, and habits and even our whining, we fear we’ll disappear if we make changes. We’re so accustomed to being someone’s mom, someone’s wife, someone’s marketing manager, etc. etc., we don’t know who we really are, stripped of all that. So, is it guilt or is it fear?

Either way, you can get over it! Ask yourself some questions and dig deep for the answers.

1. What would I really like to be doing, if there was no one to consider but myself?
2. What have I always dreamed of doing but thought was impossible?
3. What would I do if I knew I could not fail?
4. What did I do in the past that I really miss?
5. What talents and passions are untapped?
6.  What is the worst thing that could happen if I incorporated just one of these things into my life?
7. What small thing could I be doing that would be an expression of my true self?
8. What achievable goals can I set for myself and hold my self accountable to?
9. What support do I need to get started on this and stay on track?

Whether it is guilt or fear, it is holding you back from living your happiest, healthiest, most fulfilled life.  Untangle the web that is shackling you and reclaim your one most precious life.