I recently read an article in which a palliative care nurse shared the 5 most common regrets expressed by her patients at the end of their lives.  It was sad to read because I know that each and every one of their stories was avoidable, if only they’d paid attention to the voices in their heads earlier, and had the courage to make some different choices in their lives when it mattered.

My hope is that you will read this and make some choices that result in you not having these same regrets in your final days.

1.   I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all.  The patients had lived according to what they thought others wanted or expected of them at the expense of their own deepest desires. As they looked back, they saw that the choices they had made came with the high price of having their dreams unfulfilled.

What dreams do you have that you are pushing aside?  Choose just one, right now, and take some small action toward making it a reality.

2.   I wish I didn’t work so hard.
We feel as if we have to work 50-60 hours a week to get ahead and to provide for our loved ones.  But the result is, we don’t have time to enjoy the fruits of our labor.  We aren’t there to BE with the ones we are so devoted to.

Where can you renegotiate and set boundaries so that you have more time and energy to spend with people close to you?  What tasks can you delegate?  Where can you give up control and accept good enough instead of insisting on perfection?  What trade-offs can you make in order to be truly fulfilled instead of constantly being on the hamster wheel of life?

3.   I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people never voiced their true feelings either positive or negative. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many became physically ill because of the negative energy they harbored throughout their lives.  Others never dared to express their love for others because it was uncomfortable or they feared the reaction it might invoke.

We cannot control the reactions of others but it is important to be true to ourselves and express that truth.  Often, once those difficult messages are communicated, a platform is set up to resolve differences and the relationship becomes richer and deeper, or in other situations, open honest communication causes unhealthy relationships to end, freeing you to pursue more fulfilling opportunities.

What communication have you withheld and why?  Look into your heart and make a commitment to resolve unfinished business, express your true feelings, state your honest opinion, regardless of your discomfort about how it might turn out.

4.   I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they did not truly realize the value of old friends until their dying weeks.  Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

Given our busy lifestyles, it is easy to let friendships slip through the cracks. Who have you lost touch with that you’d like to reconnect with?  Reach out.  Send them a letter, an email, call them on the phone.  Rebuild the bond while you can.

5.      I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. They lived within the confines of their comfort zone, being cautious, ‘looking good’ and playing it safe.  Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to themselves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh fully, experience adventure, take some risks.

Life is a series of choices.  It is YOUR life. Choose consciously. Choose authentically. Choose happiness.

When you ask most women the question, “How are you?”, the most common answers are, “busy”, “crazy busy”, “busy but it’s all good.”  Sound familiar?  And it’s not just around the holidays.  It seems there’s always something that has us chasing our tails, racing frantically from one thing to the next with our feet barely touching the ground.  When I get really busy, I feel like a stone skipping in the water, briefly touching the surface and then flying off to the next touch point and then the next and so on, never really digging into anything at a level that gives me any sense of satisfaction.

I think busy-ness is a way of avoiding the things we fear… feelings that might be uncomfortable, thoughts that might be unpleasant, actions that might be challenging.  And we can legitimize our ‘stuck-ness’ by being too busy to do anything to move us forward in the direction of our heart’s desires.

In the words of Lily Tomlin, “The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.”

But how do we slow down?  Being busy has become a habit.  We declare our busy-ness with pride.  We make it sounds like the only alternative to busy-ness is death.  We live in a society where doing things quickly is a part of our culture.  We eat fast food, we can attend speed dating and networking events, there’s even speed yoga.  There are gyms that pride themselves on offering workouts that can be done in 30 minutes so you can get it over with quickly and get on with your life.  I have friends who go to a particular church because the Mass is shorter.  They call it ‘drive thru Mass’.  What’s up with that?

So, how do we break our busy-ness habit?   My friend and author of many books on intuition, Lynn Robinson shares this insight,

“I know I can’t simply snap my fingers and have my life change. But I can make a choice, and I’m choosing right here and now to simply breathe, slow down, feel grateful for the present moment.”

To break a habit, she says, you first have to become aware of doing it. Then, you make a conscious choice about what you want versus what you don’t want (peace versus rushing) and you take action on the decision.

You won’t change your habits overnight.  You’ll need to purposefully and intentionally choose your actions minute by minute until the new pace becomes you new normal and your old habits are replaced with more effective ones.  Keep asking yourself, am I breathing deeply?  Am I fully present and engaged in what I’m doing?  What will move me in the direction I want to go?

Expect discomfort, expect set backs but keep choosing!  You’ll get there… slowly perhaps but you’ll be able to enjoy the process.

That’s what one of my clients said to me last week.  Who among us hasn’t had that thought?  Most of us grew up fueled by a dream of living happily ever after with prince charming and having a life of joy and abundance.  We never imagined the various challenges we would have tossed in our path.  We didn’t expect terrorism, recession, environmental threats, high unemployment, difficult marriages,  poor health or any of the other monkey wrenches we have encountered on the way to old age.  And we are unprepared to deal with the unexpected twists and turns of life.  We hang onto our idealized expectations and feel cheated and wronged that it didn’t turn out as we’d hoped.  Whether it is fair or not, we are where we are.  The best way to stay stuck is to tighten our grip on the perceived injustice of that.  If we want to break out of the place we’re in, we need to change our mindset.

1. Determine what’s really important to you. Sometimes we hang on to old dreams that are no longer relevant.  Reassess what you truly value and want and let go of the shoulds.
2. Focus on what you do have that makes you happy and find ways to get more of those things. What we think about expands, if we focus our attention on the positives, we will see and get more of them.
3. Let go of concerns about what others will think. Don’t let what you think others will think keep you stuck.  You might be surprised to learn that others admire your courage when you take a bold step to change.
4. Reach out to others. You’ll be amazed to find out how many others share you feelings and frustrations.  Instead of commiserating with each other, commit to taking action to change your circumstances and support and hold each other accountable.
5. Consult with experts. Learn effective ways to change your situation.  If you are in debt, talk to a financial professional.  If you have health issues, see a medical or wellness professional, etc.  What you know now is what got you to where you are now.  You need new information and insight in order to move beyond it.  Often the solution isn’t as daunting as you thought it would be.
6. Take action. Stop whining and worrying and begin to do something.  Take one small action every day that will move you closer to your dreams.
7. Be patient. You didn’t get to where you are in your life overnight and you won’t get out of it in a blink either.  Each small step will empower you, give you a sense of control and move you closer to your desired outcome.

So go ahead… Use the wisdom you have amassed over the years,  set new expectations and  live into those new hopes and dreams.  It’s not too late.

I think I could live by quotes alone!  I love how other people       use language and often think they can express things better than I.  And so, I say, why reinvent the wheel?  Why try to best the greats?  But instead, why not share the wisdom of others with the universe?
In that spirit, I share a quote about appreciation and ask you to think about what it means in your life and how, if you are so inclined, you might take action on its message in order to enhance your life.

“Each day, awakening, are we asked to paint the sky blue? Need we coax the sun to rise or flowers to bloom? Need we teach birds to sing, or children to laugh, or lovers to kiss? No, though we think the world imperfect, it surrounds us each day with its perfections. We are asked only to appreciate them and to show appreciation by living in peaceful harmony amidst them. The Creator does not ask that we create a perfect world; He asks that we celebrate it.”  ~Robert Brault

Some simple daily practices to make appreciation a habit:
1. Each time you have a negative thought,  pause and think about what might be good about the situation.  Even after something as horrific as the attacks on the World Trade Center on 9/11, people were finding things to be grateful for… the flight they were supposed to be on but missed, early morning doctor’s appointment that made them late for work, the many, many people who were fortunate enough to survive.  If people can find the upside in something so terrible as that, you surely can find the silver lining in your misfortunes.
2. When you see something you like, make a point of commenting about it to someone.  I am especially awed by things in nature, even worms and spider webs.  I don’t like them but they are beautiful.
3. When someone does even the simplest thing for you, even if you expect it, say thank you and show appreciation.
4. Tell someone you are happy to help them.
5. Thank the cashier, bus driver, waitress, janitor for their efforts.  You may not ever want to do those jobs but imagine if no one did them.
6. Remember, you have to ‘be the change you wish to see in the world’ (Gandhi) so if you want more appreciation, you must show more appreciation.  It will come back to you ten-fold.

Noticing and showing appreciation can lift your mood, enhance your relationships, be a means by which you make a contribution to the world.  Appreciating can put things in perspective, give you relief from your daily worries and troubles.  It is potent medicine and best of all, it’s free.

Making any change requires that you do a lot of small things differently. And, for most of us, doing things differently makes us uncomfortable.  We’d rather do what is predictable and feels comfortable, even if it isn’t getting us the results we want, than step outside our comfort zone.

Think of creating new behaviors like going to the gym to work out.  We have a few choices about how we approach our work out.

1. We can lift a huge amount of weight during our first visit and experience serious injury, which will guarantee that we will have to stay clear of the gym for a long time (Hmmmm.  Is that what I really wanted?)
2. We can lift really low weights stopping before we break a sweat and remain really comfortable but see no progress over time.
3. We can lift a safe but challenging amount of weight, working our muscles until we feel them burn, experiencing a bit of discomfort.  Over time, that weight and number of repetitions becomes more comfortable and we begin to notice our bodies looking more tones and feeling stronger.  We have created a new comfort zone, to be pushed past, if we want to continue our growth.  So, we move on to heavier weights and/or more reps.

Which do you think most people choose?  If you said #2, you were right.  Most people like to be able to say they are doing the ‘right thing’ but don’t like to move outside their comfort zone.  Having ‘checked the box’ for going to the gym, they can feel righteous but they have created a self fulfilling prophecy: “I knew it wouldn’t work.  It’s hopeless.” This is true of exercising, getting out and networking to meet new people, trying new healthy foods, being on time if we are perpetually late, being more assertive, asking for help, you name it, if it’s different, it’s bound to be uncomfortable.   All of these things, require that we use muscles we haven’t dusted off in years.  And using them can cause discomfort both physically and emotionally.

In order to experience success in the change we want to make, we have to be willing to move outside our comfort zone.  Not by making a full 180% turn or working out with 100 pound weights at our first attempt, but by making small changes that stretch us just a bit until we are comfortable at that level and then taking the next step to stretch a bit farther and so on.

How do we build our comfort zone muscle?  Practice making little changes each day.  In order to get in shape for the big change you want to make, just get used to making changes.  Start with ones that aren’t related to your goal for example, take a different route to work, listen to different music in the car, change up what you eat for breakfast or try a new food each week.  Attend a new and  different cultural event,  go see a different kind of movie than you would normally choose.  If you tend to be very quiet in meetings or social events, try speaking up more, or, alternatively, if you are the person who is always participating verbally, hang back,  sit quietly and listen more.

Trying different things in a non-threatening environment wakes up your brain and makes you more open to other changes.  Keep a journal of your reactions as you make these changes and see what you learn about yourself and change.