When I think of the word integrity, I think of being true to your word.  So my question, quite simply is, do you do what you say you will do when you say you will do it for yourself as well as for others?  Random House Dictionary  says integrity is ‘the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished.’

When we are not true to our word, when we make promises that we do not keep, we are often ‘haunted’ by the black cloud of guilt, fear, embarrassment and more.  We are then, less than whole in the present moment, as a part of us is occupied with these feelings.

We tend to be better at being in integrity around commitments to others than those promises we make to ourselves.  This difference in standards  causes us not to be whole, to be fragmented.

Consider this:  You say to yourself, “I’m going to change my eating habits and have only one helping of food at each meal.  No more seconds.”  You find yourself really enjoying a dish that a friend cooked and thinking, “Oh, what can it hurt, I’ll start my ‘one serving’ routine tomorrow.  Besides, I don’t want to hurt her feelings”  You then leave the table feeling stuffed and remorseful, beating yourself up for not living up to your intention.  Or,

You tell yourself you are not going to lose your temper and scream at the kids (or your boss) and then you realize mid-explosion, that you are doing just what you vowed not to do.  You toss and turn all night thinking about how badly you feel and wishing you could take back your words and your actions.  You worry that it is destroying your relationships.

You commit to walking two miles, 3 days a week.  While you are getting ready to go one morning, you get a phone call from a friend.  By the time you get off the phone 30 minutes later, you don’t have time for your walk because you have another appointment so you blow it off.  You know you never would have done this if someone had been waiting for you to exercise.  You feel frustrated and logy all day.

The list of examples goes on and on.

So how do you stay in integrity and follow through on your commitments to yourself as you do with commitments to others?

1. Write your intention down.  Nothing like seeing it in black and white to make it real!
2. Schedule your commitment into your calendar.  Actually block out time, as if it is important because it is!  If it is an action, schedule the action, if it is a change in how you respond, schedule time to prepare yourself for the interaction.
3. Share your commitment with a friend, family member or colleague.  Ask him/her/them to help you stay on track.
4. Find a buddy to take action with you, if appropriate.  You’re more apt to stay on track if someone else is counting on you and, you’ll have more fun.
5. Use a New Leaf Touchstone bracelet or Pocket stone to remind you of your intention.
6. Notice the difference between how you feel both mentally and physically when you are in integrity with yourself vs. when you are not.
7. Acknowledge the benefits of doing what you said you  were going to do.  If there are no benefits, find another action that will reap more rewards.

Being in integrity is not only the right thing to do, it’s an empowering act and a huge step in making the changes you want to make in becoming your whole, best self.

When I talk to clients about taking time for themselves, they say things like, I know I should but… or ya but, who will make dinner?  or I’ll do it as soon as I finish baking brownies for Jimmy’s class party, or some iteration of a story that makes ‘me’ time a mere thought and never a reality.

So what changes do you need to make in order to actually have ‘me’ time?  First and foremost,  you have to change how you view it.  You need to see it as an investment vs. an expense.  And,  you need to schedule it… regularly… before you need it.  When you feel thirsty, you’re already dehydrated, so to avoid dehydration, you should drink water all day long.  Similarly, when you feel like you really need ‘me’ time, it’s already too late.  If you build ‘me’ time into your life, take time for yourself before you are in desperate straits,  you’ll find that you don’t drive yourself to the edge.  In times of high stress, you’ll have reserves to draw from.

Scheduling time for yourself allows you to take time when it works for you around your other obligations and it allows you to schedule other things around your ‘me time.’

Let me give you an example.  I have a client, Kelly,  who had always wanted to take a yoga class.  She joined a gym that offered what she wanted, but she never seemed to get there.  Something always got in the way.  Sound familiar?  I asked her to look at the schedule and choose a class she wanted to go to that was at a time that she was usually the least busy.  Then, I suggested that she put that class in her calendar, like an important appointment.  (An appointment with yourself is an important one!)  I told her that for a month, she was not to allow anything to get in the way of that commitment.  I suggested she think of it this way:  if you had a doctor’s appointment that you had waited months to get and, the morning of the appointment, someone asked you if you could do something for them, what would you say?  Here are some options:  “I’d love to help you out but I won’t be available until 11:00″  or “I wish I could but I have another commitment, have you checked with Jane?”  or simply, “I’m sorry, I can’t.  I have an appointment.  Maybe next time.”  Or, thinking about that same appointment, you wouldn’t get up in the morning and ask yourself if you felt like going.  You have an appointment.  You honor it!  Especially when it is with the most precious person in your life… YOU!

By the end of the month, Kelly’s yoga practice had become a habit.  And, she loved it.  On those rare occasions when something got in the way of her going to class, she made time to practice yoga at home.  The effect carried through to all areas of her life.  She felt more fit, more relaxed, more patient and more productive.  She had invested time in herself and everybody around her benefited!

So, what’s one thing you’d do if you had ‘me’ time?  What are you waiting for?  Get your calendar out and put yourself in there… in ink!

Remember when you were learning to drive?  You had been riding as a passenger in a car, observing others drive for years so you thought driving was going to be pretty easy, right?  You were clueless about how many moving parts you had to be aware of all at once.  (I know about this because my son just got his license).  When you slid into the driver’s seat for the first time, you realized you didn’t know what to do.  You were overwhelmed.  So, you took one step at a time, thinking about each step along the way:  put the key in the ignition, turn the key, depress the brake, put the car in the appropriate gear, apply pressure to the gas pedal, steer around the turns while at the same time maintaining appropriate pressure on the gas pedal (which is the gas and which is the brake again?), watch for other vehicles and pedestrians.  Each action required careful thought and intense concentration.  At the end of your first few spins around the parking lot or down some quiet street, you were exhausted.  But, getting your license was an important rite of passage and you weren’t giving up.  That little piece of paper and all it represented was worth the pain you had to endure to get it.  Each time you drove, you practiced all of the different things you needed to do and remember, and each time, you had some fits and starts, some potential whip lash moments, near brushes with the phone pole standing oh so close to the right shoulder of the road.  You were by no means ready for your solo run but you were making progress.  You kept practicing and fairly soon, it all came together and you could get from point A to point B without incident.  You had to think about what you were doing but it wasn’t so painful anymore and all of the pieces were becoming more integrated.  With more and more experience, it all came together and one day, you arrived at your destination and realized that you didn’t remember passing any of the landmarks along the way.

What you went through was the normal learning process.  You had followed the Conscious Competence model.*  You began as an Unconscious Incompetent, when you didn’t know what you didn’t know, moved to the Competent Incompetent phase where you became aware of what you didn’t know or weren’t very skilled at doing.  Once you became aware of what you needed to do and how to do it, you were a Conscious Competent, having to pay acute attention to each aspect of the process of driving as you did it.  Finally, the new actions and skills became ingrained and natural and you could do them without thinking… the Unconscious Competent stage.

You’ll go through this same process every time you face a change.  Good to get comfortable with it!  It’s here to stay!
* The origin of the Conscious Competence Model is unknown.

A Christmas Carol is one of my favorite movies.  We have a long standing tradition of watching it as a family during the Christmas season.  Each time I watch it, I notice something I hadn’t noticed before, as if, through the year, someone snuck into the cabinet and added something to enhance the value of an already rich story.  Or, perhaps, more likely, I am not the same person watching it from year to year.  Each year, I am ready to learn a new lesson.

One message carries through consistently.  Change is possible!  No, it isn’t usually as quick or as radical as Ebenezer Scrooge’s.  Charles Dickens didn’t write the script for our lives.  We’re on our own to do that.  But, alas, we can all look at our past, assess our present and design our future. 

For those of you not familiar with the story, here’s a very brief synopsis.  On Christmas eve, Scrooge is visited by his deceased business partner, Jacob Marley.   Marley has come to give Ebenezer a warning.  He (Marley) lived a life of negative habits and attitudes and has paid for his behavior in life by being sentenced to an eternity in Purgatory.  “I wear the chain I forged in life.  I made it link by link, and yard by yard;  I girded it on my own free will and of my own free will I wore it.”  He, (Jacob), has become aware that he made the choice to behave as he did and was 100% responsible for the life that those choices created.  He wants to warn Scrooge to make amends before it is too late for him and he is destined to a similar fate. 

We gain insight into Scrooge as we observe his life through his visits with the Ghost of Christmas Past, The Ghost of Christmas Present and finally, The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come.  We observe the behavior that comes out of his negative attitudes and beliefs, his broken relationships, his negative thoughts and assumptions.  We accompany Scrooge to his inevitable future, where he sees his own grave stone and witnesses how others remember him and what they say about him after his death.  It was this frightening experience of his own end and the revelation of his reputation that compel Ebenezer to transform.  

Jacob Marley didn’t learn the lessons of personal empowerment and possibility in life.  These lessons came to him, only after his death.  But, in life,  it is never too late to change and Scrooge ceases the opportunity.   

Based on his experience the previous evening, he awakens on Christmas morning transformed and giddily declares, “I am as light as a feather.  I am as happy a an angel.  I am as merry as a schoolboy.”  He proceeds to begin his new life as a generous, joyous, loving, happy man.

We all have the opportunity to review our past, assess our present and design our future.  Here are some useful questions to ask yourself in order to get started.

1. What are the things I have accomplished in my life and what do I still hope to do? 
2. Am I satisfied with all areas of my life?  What do I want to be doing more of?  Less of?
3. What relationships would I like to improve?
4. In what ways am I living the life of my dreams and where am I settling?
5. What contribution do I want to make to my community and the world?
6. At the end of my life, what do I want people to say about me?  What do I want to do in order for that to be possible?

While year end is a common time to take stock and New Year’s a time we often resolve to change, taking charge of your life and making necessary shifts to live fully can occur any time.  Carpe Diem!

Stuff happens.  People get laid off, relationships end, people move, we miss deadlines, we fail to achieve a goal.  But when these things happen to you,  one thing doesn’t change.  You are still the same lovable, worthy, talented self you were before they occurred.  It can be hard to maintain feeling of high self worth when it feels as if some important aspects of your life are out of control.  But, giving in to the circumstances only causes a greater downward spiral from which it is more difficult to recover.

It’s particularly difficult to stay strong and feel empowered at this time of year.  Here are some ideas on how to enjoy the holidays and help others do the same through the challenge of change.

1. Be kind and gentle to yourself but don’t indulge yourself by dwelling on your feelings.  The difference?  Being kind and gently means, changing your expectations, slowing down a bit, forgiving yourself so that you can move on.  Indulging in your feelings is using them as a reason to stay stuck.
2. Moods are contagious.  Don’t spread your negativism to others.  Spend time with people who are upbeat and positive.  Spread feelings of hope and possibility around.
3. Find positive, affordable ways to create meaning during the holiday.
4. Eliminate holiday habits that you no longer value and enjoy and create new traditions.
5. Volunteer.  Giving to others is an amazing way to get filled up and feel great about yourself.
6. Continue (or begin) to live a healthy lifestyle.  Exercise, eat healthy quantities of nutritious foods, don’t overindulge in alcohol.

Give yourself and your loved ones the greatest gift… your presence.