Everyone loves a game! And, more, everyone loves to win! So why not set up the change you are trying to make as a game? Let me explain. Most of us go into the change process like it’s a chore. We gear ourselves up, expecting it to be really hard. We worry that we won’t be able to manage without the behavior we are trying to change. For example, many people, when they decide they want to lose weight, are apoplectic, thinking they’ll never be able to have a cookie again as long as they live. That all or nothing and forever mindset is self-defeating. Many of our current behaviors are habits. We do them, not because we choose to but because its what we’ve always done. We have a cookie as a pick-me-up at 10:30 in the morning because for the past 10 years, it’s what we’ve done. We do it automatically even though it doesn’t get us the result we want. To break the habit and really experience positive outcomes, set up a little game for yourself. Take it one day at a time. Each day, say to yourself, ‘I’m not going to have any sweet treats today. I’ll deal with tomorrow, tomorrow.’ You can do anything for one day, right? (Think you can’t go a whole day? Start smaller: “I’m not going to have any sweets before noon.”) Then, play the game: See how many days you can go without having sweets. The focus is on keeping your word to yourself, doing something for just one day, seeing how many ‘one days’ you can rack up. It’s no longer about deprivation, but about earning points and winning the game you are playing with yourself. You’ll no longer be thinking, “What harm would it be to have just one little cookie.” Instead you’ll be thinking, “If I have even one cookie, I’ll lose the game and I’ll have to start over.” Changing the focus of the change and making it a game, makes it easier and fun. Each day you stay on track is a win; a cause for celebration. Each time you don’t keep your promise to yourself, you have to reset back to zero. No more all or nothing, “I blew it, I might as well give up.” Instead it’s “OK, this time I made it 5 days, tomorrow, I start a new game and my goal is to go 7 days without sweets. Pretty soon, you are going to get the real win which is that you’ll notice the physical benefits of your victories and you’ll be on a roll. You won’t need to be playing a game, you’ll have changed your behaviors and created new habits.

You can use this method to make any change. If you’re committed to getting more organized, see how many days you can go straightening up a particular space before going to bed. If you are trying to stay calm under stress, take one day at a time breathing and responding to the stress producer calmly, and on and on. Give it a try! It can be fun and it works!

This Christmas brought a number of new toys to our house, many of which required me to learn and change. We transitioned from a family PC to an IMac, my husband gave me an IPad and I got a wonderful new toy called a LiveScribe pen that makes notetaking easier. All of these are awesome and I am grateful to have them. And, they all require that I change how I have been doing things. (Can you hear the yin and yang?) Most change is accompanied by this duality of feelings. As much as I’d like to just jump in and start using these new resources, I must first learn how. There is the whole set up process. (Why do they always tell you things are plug and play and neglect to tell you what you have to do in between?!) Like any change, I’d like to be able to just decide I am going to do something and do it. But there is often a process of learning and unlearning and making mistakes and getting stuck and feeling stupid and screwing up and wanting to abandon the whole thing and go back to what you already know and feel comfortable with! So, I continue to remind myself that I must go through this process, that I must be realistic in my expectations of how quickly (or in this case slowly) I’ll really be up and running and using these things will be second nature. I need to be patient with myself and the process and take it one day at a time. I have to take the first step first and then the next and so on, and not do my usual attempt to jump to the finish line before I’ve even started the race. I need to take each achievement in the process as a win and give myself credit for it. I need to set aside time to focus on a step in the process and not try to squeeze it in when I have a moment. I need to stop being stubborn and trying to be a hero and instead, call Apple for support. (That is why I paid for it.) I realize that change is change. Whether it be learning to use new technology, getting fit, getting out of debt, finding a new job, or changing any habit, the process is the same. That’s comforting in a way. Once you learn the process for change, you can apply it to anything. Hmmm, not reinventing the wheel, well, that would be a change!

Christmas is over and it’s time to get back to business. I’m finding that to be easier said than done.
It is amazing how quickly I can get out of the habit of getting up, going to the gym, taking the dog for a walk and sitting down to work. Like many, I spent a tremendous amount of time and energy ‘producing’ a wonderful and memorable Christmas for my friends and family. And, as I do every year, I find it hard to get back into the regular routine of my life. My sleep habits are out of whack, my house is a mess, my kids are home from school, I’m out of practice in terms of maintaining some semblance of work discipline and schedule. I can’t decide whether to give myself a break about it or to beat myself up about it and make myself wrong.

But, here’s the good news. I know I have a choice. I can decide how to respond to my actions. I can choose my thoughts about it and therefore, my feelings. I don’t have to surrender to a default reaction. I’m not a victim . I can choose whether I want to feel good or bad, based on my thoughts about what I’m doing or not doing and I can choose to take action that is consistent with the feelings I want to have.

For example, when I noticed that I was feeling guilty about not working and resentful that I should be, I decided to change how I was thinking, knowing that would change how I felt. I realized that I wanted to do some work and I also wanted to spend some time doing things with my kids and take care of some household business, and extend the holiday spirit. I gave myself permission to do all of this and I created a schedule for myself. I chose to sit down, (with Pandora playing on my new IPad in the background), to write this blog post. I could have taken a different route. I could have suffered, felt badly, been guilty. Or, I could have been resentful that I had to switch gears and end the holiday feeling and return to ‘the grind’. With those feelings as a backdrop, I probably wouldn’t have been very productive or creative.

I also decided to take this ‘tween time (the week between Christmas and New Year’s) to do things I don’t have time to do when I am in my usual routine. I’m going to tackle some closets and the mess in the basement. I’m going to purge some old files. I know that these actions will have a carthartic effect: Clear the clutter, clear the mind. Now, that’s an exciting prospect! Let me at it!

Notice your feelings, decide if they are the ones you want to have and if not, choose a different response to your circumstances and get into gear, fully embracing whatever choice you make. Just know it’s a choice and you have the power to make it.

You’re hungry. You decide to try out the new restaurant that just opened in town. You walk in, sit down and open the menu. It says:

MENU 

Breakfast:

Food

Lunch:

More food

Dinner:

Lots of food

That’s all.  Just  food.  Not  Hungry Jack Buttermilk Pancakes with a side of bacon, Not 4 cheese mac ‘n’ cheese with pancetta, Not grilled pork chops with applesauce glaze and a side of spicy fries. Just food, more food and lots of food.

What would you do?

Here are some options:

A. You could go ahead and order food and hope that you liked what you got and it left you feeling satisfied.

B. You could leave without eating.

C. You could ask for the specific food you’d like.

That scenario is similar to what I hear people doing when they want to make a change in their lives. They declare their desire for change (hunger) and then get into action (food).

The ones who choose option A, take what they get. And when they are part way down their path, they stop short and say… “am I getting where I want to go with this? I’m making changes but it doesn’t seem to be making me any happier. Why bother?” And, they abandon the effort.

Others who take option B say, “I know I want something to be different but I don’t know exactly what change I want to make so I’ll just keep doing what I’ve always done. I’ll be ok”, and they walk away from change before they even get started.

And those who go for option c clarify the specific change they want to make and then get into effective action.

Option C is the only option that puts you in the driver’s seat of personal change.

What’s the specific change you want to make in your life in order to be healthier, happier and more fulfilled? How do you want to feel physically, emotionally and spiritually as a result of the change?

Last Saturday, my husband and 13 of his contemporaries played a game of touch football. While there were no major injuries sustained on the field, all felt significant aches and pains for several days following the game. These guys are no spring chickens anymore and, while most appear to be fairly fit, they hadn’t used the muscles used in their football foray in a very long time. Each spent Sunday ‘ooh-ing’ and ‘ah-ing’ at every move as they alternated between heating pads and ice packs in an effort to relieve their pain. None of the guys regretted having played. They had been in the company of comrades, cheering and being cheered, strutting their stuff and having a blast. So the discomfort they were dealing with was the kind of pain that feels good–reminding them they’d really pushed themselves and been ‘in the game.’ The fun they’d had was well worth the price they had to pay.

This reminds me of the process we go through when we’re making a change in our lives. When we begin to do things differently, we exercise muscles that we aren’t accustomed to using. Those muscles have always been a part of us, they’ve just laid dormant until now. And, as with physical activity, it takes a little more effort to do new things than it does to keep doing what we’ve always done. It might feel a bit painful to be acutely conscious of our actions so that we don’t fall back into old habits. Our new way of being and doing may take us out of our comfort zone, making us uneasy. But, when we are successful and the change we make brings us the outcome we had hoped for (greater health, richer relationships, less stress, more satisfaction) the effort and yes, the pain is worth it. Oh yeah, Baby, make it hurt so good!

I don’t know if the men’s football game will become regular practice but I can be sure that the more often the guys play, and the more practiced we become at making changes, the easier it will become!