We often look at highly successful  people and think they are full of self-confidence.  We compare how they appear on the outside with how we sometimes feel on the inside… insecure, incompetent, inadequate and, it makes us feel worse.  We think, ‘I’ll never be as good as, as successful as, as competent as…”  But even the most confident and successful among us feel self-doubt. Even New England Patriots star quarterback, Tom Brady needs a little help from his friends before a big game.  And his beautiful wife, Gisele, captain of his personal support squad, reaches out and asks for it.

The Boston Globe shared this in this morning’s edition of the paper:

The New York Post got its hands on an e-mail meant for Gisele Bundchen’s inner circle that asks friends of the Tom Brady-Bundchen pack to pray for the Pats. According to the story by the Post’s Todd Venezia, the e-mail says, “My sweet friends and family, this Sunday will be a really important day in my husband’s life. He and his team worked so hard to get to this point and now they need us more than ever to send them positive energy so they can fulfill their dream of winning this Super Bowl. So I kindly ask all of you to join me on this positive chain and pray for him, so he can feel confident, healthy and strong. Envision him happy and fulfilled experiencing with his team a victory this Sunday. Thank you for your love and support. Love, G ’’

When you are feeling a bit shaky, do you reach out and ask for help?  Do you envision yourself being successful, happy and fulfilled and ask for others to hold that vision for you?

I hope Eli Manning’s envisioners are not as powerful as Brady’s!

Go Pats!

Successful change emanates from the heart, not the head.  In order to be successful, to stay motivated we need to let go of ego and embrace possibility.

Ego is engaged when we have to be right, need to look good, are afraid to fail.

When we are in the realm of possibility, we are open, curious, calm.

I had a client, Donna, who wanted to lose 10 pounds… you know, that last 10 pounds you want to lose for years?  I asked her what she had tried before and she gave me a list of diet programs she had tried to follow.  She said they didn’t work because she felt deprived, had to think really hard about what foods to eat and what not to and, in the end, when she wasn’t successful, she beat herself up, told herself she was bad and wrong… and, or course, ate to sooth her feelings.  In a word, Donna stayed stuck.

I suggested that she forget about the weight loss goal for a moment and to just imagine what was possible for her if she was at her goal weight… forget how you might do it or whether you should or shouldn’t… just feel what opportunity is available to you if you are at your idea of an ideal weight.  She lit up, she was inspired. She saw herself feeling light and energetic and active and strong.  She saw herself feeling fit and positive… She was inspired by the possibility of being that fit, energetic person.  With that inspiration and vision in mind, we set out to create a plan for her to lose the 10 pounds… driven from the heart, not the ego.

I had another client,  Jane who wanted to get back into an exercise routine but couldn’t find the time and get into the habit.  Again, I asked her to think about what was possible for her if she were exercising?  She created a compelling vision of herself strong and fit and energetic.  With that as a backdrop… we began to work on the how.  Along the way, each time she found herself resisting going to the gym or working out, I asked her to notice what was running the show… her head full of ‘shoulds’ and reasons why not, or possibility, overflowing with energy and inspiration?  So, I suggested that she NOT check in with her head on the matter of whether she was going to go to the gym and just make a conscious choice to check in with her source of inspiration, her heart.  Her first response when I suggested that was, “oh, that will never work for me,”  a comment coming from the head, by the way.  So, I pressed on and asked, are you willing to consider the possibility that it might work?    She agreed and sure enough, she found herself getting exercise regularly, enjoying it and miraculously, other things got done too.

The show stoppers tend to be things coming from your head.  When you go back to your heart, you get moving.

As Peter Drucker said, “The Best Way to Predict the Future is to Create it.”  And, the best way to create it is to imagine and be open to all of the possibilities, rather than drawing on all of the history, memories, fears.

How many times have you heard this in answer to your question, “How do I…”  It doesn’t matter what you are trying to do… look younger—it’s easy.  All you have to do is use this cream every day for the next 3 months;  make a million dollars—it’s easy.  All you have to do is have an idea, create some content about it–write a book or ebook, develop a webinar, speak about it, offer seminars on the subject, sell the products on the web and count your money when you wake up in the morning.  Or maybe you want to be happier – easy.  All you have to do is notice the positive things in your life and express gratitude for them and bingo… life is good.

Well, if it were REALLY that easy, if you could have health, wealth, happiness and fulfillment by just doing a few things differently, why isn’t the planet overrun with wealthy, joyful, richly related, fit, satisfied people?

Because while the mechanics of life are simple, and any of us can learn them, our inner world isn’t so clear cut.  Feelings and emotions are messy.  The scripts we’ve developed, the beliefs we hold dear, the assumptions we make, the fears we harbor come into play and get in the way of our ‘just doing…” They make what others say is easy, really, really hard.  In fact, it is our internal processes that create our most challenging roadblocks.

In order to be successful, we need to understand our values, our feelings and our fears and make some shifts from the inside out.

When you find yourself stuck, unable to ‘just do…”  ask yourself, “What is in the way of my doing this?”  Listen carefully to the voice in your head or the movie that is playing there.  Do you hear someone saying, “who do you think you are thinking you can do this?”  Or do you see a loved one criticizing or disapproving?”  Do you jump to an internal dialog that sounds something like, “What if this doesn’t work out?”

Pay attention to how your body feels.  When you first think about moving toward your idea or dream do you feel excited, only to have that followed by a different sensation, perhaps one of fear or overwhelm?  Can you feel heaviness in your body or a lump in your throat?

Your thoughts and feelings have real power over you.  In order to keep moving forward toward your goals, you have to pay attention to your whole body in order to know how to re-empower your deflated sense of excitement.

You have to reprogram yourself to catch yourself when your inner voice and inner movie projector throw up road blocks.

The first step is awareness.  Get to know your body’s signals.  What messages are you sending yourself?  What do they mean?  What is going on in your mind and your body that is causing you to be stopped?  Where do these messages come from?  How can you counter them?

Disempower your negative thoughts. If you notice that you are having negative thoughts like, “I can’t”, “it won’t work out”, “I shouldn’t…”, ask yourself,  “Is this true?”  By true I don’t mean is it possible that it might happen.  I mean, is this absolutely, irrefutably true?  If it is not true, ask yourself, “What is the truth in this situation?” If it is true, ask yourself, “So what?  What is the worst thing that could happen if that outcome occurred?” Let’s say you can hear your best friend’s voice saying, “Remember the last time you did…? It was a complete disaster.  What makes you think this will be any different?”  You automatically start thinking, “She’s right.  I could never do this.”  Is it true that you failed before?  Maybe it is.  Is it absolutely true that you will fail again?  No.  And even if you do fail again, what’s the worst thing that can happen?  You are guaranteed not to succeed if you don’t try.  Would you rather go down swinging or on a called strike?  And, finally, consider what you can do to minimize your risk.

Acknowledge, understand  and work through your feelings. For many people, feelings get in the way of showcasing their true greatness.  The feelings may show up as embarrassment, overwhelm, feeling stupid.  Underneath those feelings is fear.  Fear of losing face, fear of failure, fear of asking for help and looking stupid, fear of upsetting others or the status quo.  When we dig deep to discover the basis of our feelings, we can pinpoint what we need to do to move through them.  Feelings should not be ignored. They convey important information and it is important to understand them, heed their messages and learn from them.  One of my clients was really excited about a possible new job opportunity.  She loved everything about it except that it would require that she be out at events several evenings a month.  This didn’t bother her but she was afraid it would upset her husband and put her marriage at risk.  That thought was so scary to her, she decided not to pursue the opportunity.  When I asked her if she had asked her husband about it, she said, “no”.  She just assumed it would be a problem, feared the impact and acted on that fear.  Identifying the fear and understanding it’s source, gave her the direction she needed to take some effective action.  She spoke to her husband about it and learned that while it wouldn’t be his first choice to have her out a lot, he was excited about this opportunity for her and would be willing to make it work.

It may not be as easy as 1-2-3, but you can overcome your fears and allow your true greatness to shine!

I recently read an article in which a palliative care nurse shared the 5 most common regrets expressed by her patients at the end of their lives.  It was sad to read because I know that each and every one of their stories was avoidable, if only they’d paid attention to the voices in their heads earlier, and had the courage to make some different choices in their lives when it mattered.

My hope is that you will read this and make some choices that result in you not having these same regrets in your final days.

1.   I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all.  The patients had lived according to what they thought others wanted or expected of them at the expense of their own deepest desires. As they looked back, they saw that the choices they had made came with the high price of having their dreams unfulfilled.

What dreams do you have that you are pushing aside?  Choose just one, right now, and take some small action toward making it a reality.

2.   I wish I didn’t work so hard.
We feel as if we have to work 50-60 hours a week to get ahead and to provide for our loved ones.  But the result is, we don’t have time to enjoy the fruits of our labor.  We aren’t there to BE with the ones we are so devoted to.

Where can you renegotiate and set boundaries so that you have more time and energy to spend with people close to you?  What tasks can you delegate?  Where can you give up control and accept good enough instead of insisting on perfection?  What trade-offs can you make in order to be truly fulfilled instead of constantly being on the hamster wheel of life?

3.   I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people never voiced their true feelings either positive or negative. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many became physically ill because of the negative energy they harbored throughout their lives.  Others never dared to express their love for others because it was uncomfortable or they feared the reaction it might invoke.

We cannot control the reactions of others but it is important to be true to ourselves and express that truth.  Often, once those difficult messages are communicated, a platform is set up to resolve differences and the relationship becomes richer and deeper, or in other situations, open honest communication causes unhealthy relationships to end, freeing you to pursue more fulfilling opportunities.

What communication have you withheld and why?  Look into your heart and make a commitment to resolve unfinished business, express your true feelings, state your honest opinion, regardless of your discomfort about how it might turn out.

4.   I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they did not truly realize the value of old friends until their dying weeks.  Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

Given our busy lifestyles, it is easy to let friendships slip through the cracks. Who have you lost touch with that you’d like to reconnect with?  Reach out.  Send them a letter, an email, call them on the phone.  Rebuild the bond while you can.

5.      I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. They lived within the confines of their comfort zone, being cautious, ‘looking good’ and playing it safe.  Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to themselves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh fully, experience adventure, take some risks.

Life is a series of choices.  It is YOUR life. Choose consciously. Choose authentically. Choose happiness.