When I think of the word integrity, I think of being true to your word.  So my question, quite simply is, do you do what you say you will do when you say you will do it for yourself as well as for others?  Random House Dictionary  says integrity is ‘the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished.’

When we are not true to our word, when we make promises that we do not keep, we are often ‘haunted’ by the black cloud of guilt, fear, embarrassment and more.  We are then, less than whole in the present moment, as a part of us is occupied with these feelings.

We tend to be better at being in integrity around commitments to others than those promises we make to ourselves.  This difference in standards  causes us not to be whole, to be fragmented.

Consider this:  You say to yourself, “I’m going to change my eating habits and have only one helping of food at each meal.  No more seconds.”  You find yourself really enjoying a dish that a friend cooked and thinking, “Oh, what can it hurt, I’ll start my ‘one serving’ routine tomorrow.  Besides, I don’t want to hurt her feelings”  You then leave the table feeling stuffed and remorseful, beating yourself up for not living up to your intention.  Or,

You tell yourself you are not going to lose your temper and scream at the kids (or your boss) and then you realize mid-explosion, that you are doing just what you vowed not to do.  You toss and turn all night thinking about how badly you feel and wishing you could take back your words and your actions.  You worry that it is destroying your relationships.

You commit to walking two miles, 3 days a week.  While you are getting ready to go one morning, you get a phone call from a friend.  By the time you get off the phone 30 minutes later, you don’t have time for your walk because you have another appointment so you blow it off.  You know you never would have done this if someone had been waiting for you to exercise.  You feel frustrated and logy all day.

The list of examples goes on and on.

So how do you stay in integrity and follow through on your commitments to yourself as you do with commitments to others?

1. Write your intention down.  Nothing like seeing it in black and white to make it real!
2. Schedule your commitment into your calendar.  Actually block out time, as if it is important because it is!  If it is an action, schedule the action, if it is a change in how you respond, schedule time to prepare yourself for the interaction.
3. Share your commitment with a friend, family member or colleague.  Ask him/her/them to help you stay on track.
4. Find a buddy to take action with you, if appropriate.  You’re more apt to stay on track if someone else is counting on you and, you’ll have more fun.
5. Use a New Leaf Touchstone bracelet or Pocket stone to remind you of your intention.
6. Notice the difference between how you feel both mentally and physically when you are in integrity with yourself vs. when you are not.
7. Acknowledge the benefits of doing what you said you  were going to do.  If there are no benefits, find another action that will reap more rewards.

Being in integrity is not only the right thing to do, it’s an empowering act and a huge step in making the changes you want to make in becoming your whole, best self.

I was watching Oprah the other day and saw an amazing show.
Oprah has been running a series called ‘The Debt Diet’
for a period of time. Financial experts had advised couples
who are severely in debt and given each a very rigorous
road map to follow in order to pay down their debt and recover
financially. When I saw the first few segments of the show
several months ago, I remember seeing grown men and women
having temper tantrums at the thought of having to give up some
of the things they had been doing that had cost them their
financial health… shopping sprees, expensive hobbies, frivolous
dining out, frequent and unlimited ‘handouts’ to their grown children,
and on and on…When they were first put on their debt diet, they
saw their lives taking a turn for the worse. They simply couldn’t
imagine living without these costly things. They were sure this was
the fast pass to misery.

But today, after some period of time (I don’t know exactly
how long it has been), some of the successful couples are
back on the show and they look physically different. They
look happy and relaxed. Each couple described how they
have not only substantially improved their financial health
but they have turned around strained relationships, discovered
new, cost free interests, spent more time with friends. They
are simply delighted with their results. All aspects of their lives
changed dramatically for the better!

I’ve seen similar things time and again. My clients come to me
to work on one particular change, say find time to take care of
themselves rather than always putting others first or to change
how they react to their boss when they feel stressed or to manage
their time better and, in the process of making that one change, they
experience so many unexpected and delightful benefits. In thinking
about making the change, they anticipate that they will have to give
up too many pleasures or that people will be upset with them if they
change their familiar patterns. They resist making the changes for fear
it will rock the boat. But, those that find the courage and stamina,
experience unexpected results. They discover a passion for something
they didn’t know anything about, they meet some unbelievably great people,
they find a fabulous new job, even though they weren’t looking for one, they
feel more confident and have more intimate conversations with others.
They share stories with a common theme… they had no idea that
making one change in one particular area of their life could have
such a broad and extraordinary impact on their entire lives.

What is the change you want to make and what are you afraid
you’ll have to give up in order to make the change?

You’ll never know the full extent of what you’ll gain if you go through
the process of making the change unless you commit and go for it!

I subscribe to a great service called Inspire Me Today .  Each morning, I have an inspiring message in my mailbox from a different luminary, sharing 500 words of brilliance with subscribers.

This morning’s message from poet-philosopher and best selling author Noah benShea was so profound, I had to share it with you.

Noah benShea’s Ten Tips for Tough Times

1. Being broke is not the same as being broken,
losing money is not the same as being lost,
and finding your balance is not something you can do on a balance sheet.

2. Don’t confuse having less with being less,
having more with being more,
or what you have with who you are.

3. Slow down.
What you’re chasing may be trying to catch you.

4. Prayer is a path where there is none.

5. Put your faith and not your fears in charge.

6. God only gave you two arms.
If you’re busy hugging the past you can’t embrace the future.
Don’t let the past kidnap your future.

7. This too shall pass.
Change is the only constant.
In order to take a breath you must release your breath.

8. Do what you can,
but never forget that letting go is very different from giving up.

9. Break the rules that are breaking you.
Tough times don’t require you to be tough on yourself.
Find the courage to suffer happiness.

10. Remember, remember, remember…
Things don’t have to be good for you to be great.

When I talk to clients about taking time for themselves, they say things like, I know I should but… or ya but, who will make dinner?  or I’ll do it as soon as I finish baking brownies for Jimmy’s class party, or some iteration of a story that makes ‘me’ time a mere thought and never a reality.

So what changes do you need to make in order to actually have ‘me’ time?  First and foremost,  you have to change how you view it.  You need to see it as an investment vs. an expense.  And,  you need to schedule it… regularly… before you need it.  When you feel thirsty, you’re already dehydrated, so to avoid dehydration, you should drink water all day long.  Similarly, when you feel like you really need ‘me’ time, it’s already too late.  If you build ‘me’ time into your life, take time for yourself before you are in desperate straits,  you’ll find that you don’t drive yourself to the edge.  In times of high stress, you’ll have reserves to draw from.

Scheduling time for yourself allows you to take time when it works for you around your other obligations and it allows you to schedule other things around your ‘me time.’

Let me give you an example.  I have a client, Kelly,  who had always wanted to take a yoga class.  She joined a gym that offered what she wanted, but she never seemed to get there.  Something always got in the way.  Sound familiar?  I asked her to look at the schedule and choose a class she wanted to go to that was at a time that she was usually the least busy.  Then, I suggested that she put that class in her calendar, like an important appointment.  (An appointment with yourself is an important one!)  I told her that for a month, she was not to allow anything to get in the way of that commitment.  I suggested she think of it this way:  if you had a doctor’s appointment that you had waited months to get and, the morning of the appointment, someone asked you if you could do something for them, what would you say?  Here are some options:  “I’d love to help you out but I won’t be available until 11:00″  or “I wish I could but I have another commitment, have you checked with Jane?”  or simply, “I’m sorry, I can’t.  I have an appointment.  Maybe next time.”  Or, thinking about that same appointment, you wouldn’t get up in the morning and ask yourself if you felt like going.  You have an appointment.  You honor it!  Especially when it is with the most precious person in your life… YOU!

By the end of the month, Kelly’s yoga practice had become a habit.  And, she loved it.  On those rare occasions when something got in the way of her going to class, she made time to practice yoga at home.  The effect carried through to all areas of her life.  She felt more fit, more relaxed, more patient and more productive.  She had invested time in herself and everybody around her benefited!

So, what’s one thing you’d do if you had ‘me’ time?  What are you waiting for?  Get your calendar out and put yourself in there… in ink!

In my last post, I suggested that you think about and determine what you might do to take good care of yourself in order to renew your energy.  Is it a massage?  A weekly meeting with a therapist?  A daily cup of tea? A hike  to the top of a mountain?  Maybe there are several things on your list.

As they say, a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.  Now that you know what you want to do, how are you going to make it a reality?

The first thing you have to do is to give yourself permission to take care of yourself.   Tell the truth, now.  When you think about taking time for yourself, what messages do you hear inside your head?  Come on, I know they are there.  Things like, “I don’t have time for that.”  Or “I can’t afford to do that.”  Or, “Good mothers don’t miss their kid’s sports events.”  Or, my husband will get mad if I do that.”  Sound familiar or do you have completely different chatter going on?

Those messages, may be your biggest roadblock.  If you think that you don’t deserve time for yourself, if you believe that you are the only one capable of doing all of the things you do, if you worry about what others will think or how they’ll react, your self talk and worry is holding you back.

To overcome that barrier, ask yourself:

1. Is this really true?
2. How do I know it’s true
3. What are some other possible ‘truths’?
4. So what if it is true?
5. What’s the worst that can happen?
6. Aren’t I worth it?

Still not convinced that you’re worth it and that taking care of yourself will deliver great returns to others in your life?

Take five minutes, grab a pad of paper and a pen and find a quiet space where you can sit comfortably, undisturbed.  Close your eyes and imagine yourself enjoying whatever your preferred self-care experience is.  Really see yourself engaged in the process.  Notice how your whole body feels and sink into those sensations.  Hear the sounds around  you and feel the energy that is flowing in you.   Sit, immersed in that experience for a few minutes.    Then, when you are ready, come back to the ‘reality’ of the room you are in.  Grab your pen and paper and write down what you were doing, how it felt and how you benefited.  Jot down anything else that comes to your mind as a result of your experience.

If you want to have a more permanent image, create a vision board that paints a picture of your unique version of self-care and its benefits.  Make it so vivid and compelling that you can’t resist taking action.

In my next post, I’ll share some tips on how to turn your vision into action by  creating “me-time” so you can actually experience and reap the benefits of your self-care vision!

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