Thanks to my friend, colleague and fabulous coach Bette Hoffman for this poignant piece of Native American legend.

One evening a Cherokee Elder was teaching his grandson about a battle

that goes on inside people.                     

 He said “My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.

One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance,

self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride  and superiority.

The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility,

kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion,

and faith.

This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute. Then he asked his grandfather,

“Which wolf wins?”

The old Cherokee man simply replied, “The one you feed.”

Most of us, if I use my own friends, colleagues and clients as a good indication, place integrity as one of our highest values.  While the word integrity may have slightly different meaning to each of us, in general, it means being consistent with who we really are.  It is often manifests itself keeping promises;  acting on our intentions; being congruent in thoughts, words, and deed.

When a friend or colleague says she will do something, you expect her to deliver on that promise, don’t you?  And, if she  repeatedly fails to deliver, you lose faith and perhaps respect for her, right?  You might say, she’s out of integrity… and you begin to discount her promises in the future saying, ’she’s not reliable’, ‘I can’t count on her’, ‘I’ve heard this before,’ ’she’s not a person of her word.’  Your relationship with a person who behaves in this way is diminished.  Think about how you feel about that person:  You begin to feel uncomfortable around her, to blame, judge and criticize her.   You begin to disconnect from her.  These feelings sometimes spread to others with whom she associates (guilt by association).  Lo and behold, you begin to feel isolated.

The same is true of our relationship with ourselves.  When we say we will do something (lose weight, listen to our kids, get organized, etc.) and then consistently fail to do it, we are out of integrity with ourselves.  We begin to judge ourselves, we lose faith in ourselves, we experience a lack of trust in our ability to produce the results we say we want.  We actually feel disconnected from our best selves.  All of these lead to a feeling of discord.

In fact, the dictionary definition of integrity is: the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished.  When we consistently disappoint ourselves by not following through on our intentions, we create a state of being fragmented (not whole), weak, out of kilter.

After a while, when we catch ourselves saying, I’m going to (fill in the blank), we don’t even believe ourselves.  It’s just noise, a throw away comment, not to be taken seriously.  We have lost faith in ourselves.  And, interestingly enough, we begin to question the value of the people around us (who would want to be a friend of someone who can’t keep her word to herself?)  And, we begin to feel disconnected and isolated, just as we did when the person who we judged to be out of integrity was someone else.  Being out of integrity with ourselves causes us to experience self-sabotage, pain, anger, judgments, and depression.

To be our best, we must be whole: that is, be responsible for our actions and inactions.  We must act in a way that is consistent with who we say we want to be.  We must be in integrity.

Being in integrity gives us more energy and allows us to achieve our desired results with greater ease.  It allows us to live more powerfully, and to attract reliable, trustworth, supportive inpiring people into our lives.

Take a look at where you are out of integrity with yourself;  where you are not keeping your word to yourself and living in a way that is consistent with your vision of your best self.   Choose one area and begin to repair the damage you have done to your relationship with yourself.  Be a person you can count on to fulfill on your promises to yourself and take responsiblity for your actions!

Do you want to change your relationships?  Feel really good about yourself even when things aren’t going just the way you’d like!  Well, have I got an idea for you!

You know all those people in your life who are unpleasant, rude, ungrateful for all you do and just downright difficult to deal with?  I have the cure!  And, it isn’t what you’d expect.  No, I’m not going to suggest that you sit down and have a heart to heart talk with them or that you cut them out of your life altogether.  I’m going to suggest that you take the high road.  Let me give you an example:

Imagine that you are walking down the street in the wealthy section of a city.  It’s a beautiful sunny day and, as you’re walking along admiring the majestic high end real estate, a flower pot falls from a balcony high above your head.  The pot hits you and crashes to the ground.  You’re angry but only a little hurt.  You have a choice to make.  What will you do?

Let’s consider the options: 

1.  It’s a wealthy neighborhood.  The guy from who’s deck the pot fell is probably worth a bundle.  You could sue him and probably win big bucks.  Why not?  You know a good lawyer who’d be happy to take the case.

2.  You could get revenge.  You could gather all the pieces of the pot and the unrooted flower that fell out of it, carry it up to the guys apartment and threaten him.  That would make you feel better, wouldn’t it?

3.  You could walk away and try to forget about it, but you run the risk of carrying your feelings around with you for the rest of your life.

4.  Or, you could do the unthinkable.  You could pick up the pieces of the pot and the broken plant, take it to a nursery, buy a new pot, have the plant repotted and bring it back to the owner.  You could knock on his door and say to him, ‘Your plant fell and I thought you’d like to have it back, repotted.  I hope you like the new pot that I got for you.  Perhaps you should secure it on your deck a little better so it doesn’t fall again.  If you have some wire, I could help you do that right now.

Can you imagine how you’d feel if you did that?  Despite the fact that the pot falling wasn’t your fault, that it could have killed you, that the owner never would have known you were even there.  And imagine how the other person might feel?  How surprised and delighted… imagine how he might turn around and treat others.

One simple change in your behavior could cause a ripple effect of positive feelings and positive actions.  Or, you could take it the other way.  Which would you choose?

Alice: Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?
The Cat: That depends a good deal on where you want to get to
Alice: I don’t much care where.
The Cat: Then it doesn’t much matter which way you go.
Alice: …so long as I get somewhere.
The Cat: Oh, you’re sure to do that, if only you walk long enough.

Many of us head out along that path, away from somewhere but toward, we know not
where. Unfortunately, without an end goal or destination in mind, our
endless efforts to be happier, healthier and more fulfilled leave us tired
and frustrated. And, the farther we travel without a target, the
harder it will be to find our way back.  Each time we try and fail at
something, we fall back farther in terms or our optimism, energy, self
confidence and courage.  So it is important, before we set out on our
journey to change, that we have a clear sense of where we are trying to get
to.  What is the desired outcome of the change?  How will we KNOW when we
have been successful.  Who can help us get on the right path and stay
on course?  What are the milestones that will help you know you
are on track along the way? 

Like Alice, before we set out, we must be clear about our destination. 
Of these things we can be sure: time will pass, energy will be expended, our
hair will gray, our faces will wrinkle, our joints will stiffen.  But at the end
of the day, will we end up where we hoped we’d be?  Surely not if we don’t know
where that is.

A Christmas Carol is one of my favorite movies.  We have a long standing tradition of watching it as a family during the Christmas season.  Each time I watch it, I notice something I hadn’t noticed before, as if, through the year, someone snuck into the cabinet and added something to enhance the value of an already rich story.  Or, perhaps, more likely, I am not the same person watching it from year to year.  Each year, I am ready to learn a new lesson.

One message carries through consistently.  Change is possible!  No, it isn’t usually as quick or as radical as Ebenezer Scrooge’s.  Charles Dickens didn’t write the script for our lives.  We’re on our own to do that.  But, alas, we can all look at our past, assess our present and design our future. 

For those of you not familiar with the story, here’s a very brief synopsis.  On Christmas eve, Scrooge is visited by his deceased business partner, Jacob Marley.   Marley has come to give Ebenezer a warning.  He (Marley) lived a life of negative habits and attitudes and has paid for his behavior in life by being sentenced to an eternity in Purgatory.  “I wear the chain I forged in life.  I made it link by link, and yard by yard;  I girded it on my own free will and of my own free will I wore it.”  He, (Jacob), has become aware that he made the choice to behave as he did and was 100% responsible for the life that those choices created.  He wants to warn Scrooge to make amends before it is too late for him and he is destined to a similar fate. 

We gain insight into Scrooge as we observe his life through his visits with the Ghost of Christmas Past, The Ghost of Christmas Present and finally, The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come.  We observe the behavior that comes out of his negative attitudes and beliefs, his broken relationships, his negative thoughts and assumptions.  We accompany Scrooge to his inevitable future, where he sees his own grave stone and witnesses how others remember him and what they say about him after his death.  It was this frightening experience of his own end and the revelation of his reputation that compel Ebenezer to transform.  

Jacob Marley didn’t learn the lessons of personal empowerment and possibility in life.  These lessons came to him, only after his death.  But, in life,  it is never too late to change and Scrooge ceases the opportunity.   

Based on his experience the previous evening, he awakens on Christmas morning transformed and giddily declares, “I am as light as a feather.  I am as happy a an angel.  I am as merry as a schoolboy.”  He proceeds to begin his new life as a generous, joyous, loving, happy man.

We all have the opportunity to review our past, assess our present and design our future.  Here are some useful questions to ask yourself in order to get started.

1. What are the things I have accomplished in my life and what do I still hope to do? 
2. Am I satisfied with all areas of my life?  What do I want to be doing more of?  Less of?
3. What relationships would I like to improve?
4. In what ways am I living the life of my dreams and where am I settling?
5. What contribution do I want to make to my community and the world?
6. At the end of my life, what do I want people to say about me?  What do I want to do in order for that to be possible?

While year end is a common time to take stock and New Year’s a time we often resolve to change, taking charge of your life and making necessary shifts to live fully can occur any time.  Carpe Diem!