Many of us face the holiday season with mixed emotions.  We love the idea of the holidays but reality doesn’t always match up with our expectations.  We often end up stressed out and disappointed.

 When I refer to the holiday season, I’m talking about the time leading up to Thanksgiving and continuing until just after the New Year.  It doesn’t matter what religion you are or what your holiday practices are.  That period of time tends to be one that is marked by family visits, high expectations, social pressure, financial stress, over-eating, too much to do and too little time to do it.

Often, as families, we do things out of habit rather than by conscious choice.  We celebrate holidays in the same way year after year, eat the same foods at holiday dinners, put the same decorations in the same spots around the house and entertain the same guests.  While tradition and ritual is great, sometimes it’s good to shake things up.

You can change your holiday experience for yourself and your loved ones by making a conscious decision to do some things differently.  You may not transform your family into something it is not and the holidays may still not look like a Hallmark movie, but you can make some adjustments that will make a big difference for you.

1. Identify the things you love and want to maintain about your holiday habits and traditions.
2. Identify one or two new or different things you’d really like to have be part of your holiday celebration.  Perhaps you want to volunteer somewhere or you want to see a seasonal show. Perhaps you want to do more ‘home-made’, whether it’s food or gifts or decorations.  What is something that would be meaningful for you to do and be stress-less?
3. Imagine just how you want to feel during the holiday season.  Do a visualization to capture the full effect of you living your ideal holiday.  Notice what is present and what is not present.  Write down words and phrases that describe your vision for a fabulous experience and live into it.
4. Discuss ideas for doing things differently with family members to get their ideas and buy in.
5. Be bold. Create new holiday habits that may become rich, long lasting traditions.

Click here for more support on de-stressing the holidays or  view our Holiday Bracelet collection.

Wow, the stuff upset it made of.

I was chatting with a friend of mine the other day.  She was busy helping her daughter get ready for a semester abroad in South America.  There was much to do.  And, aside from these preparations, my friend, a busy physician and generous community volunteer, also had a long list of patient phone calls to return and meetings to plan for. 

Being a teenager, her daughter decided it was time to go shopping for necessities for her trip.  I mean, it was time RIGHT NOW.  Not a few days ago, when her mom suggested they go, not tomorrow night when she had already made plans to be with her friends but RIGHT NOW!  And, on top of that, the daughter had just learned that there were very few plane tickets left on a flight she wanted to take for a vacation trip she was planning with her boyfriend in December.  So, that needed to be dealt with RIGHT NOW too. 

Now, if you have teenagers, or remember the days when you did, you know what I’m talking about.  If you are a teenager, you’re probably saying to yourself, “And your problem with all of this would be?” 

Being of sound and rational mind and removed from the situation as you are reading this, you are likely saying to yourself, why didn’t the mom just say no.  Why didn’t she say, “I can’t take you shopping right now, dear.”  or “Go ahead and make the plane reservations yourself. You’re a competent, capable young lady.”  I’ll tell you why…  STRESS!

The daughter’s unreasonable requests and sense of urgency arose from stress as did her mom’s reaction which was, in her words, not one of her best parenting moments.  Underneath it all, both, aside from being busy, are nervous about this upcoming trip.  And the anxiety hadn’t been identified or expressed.  So, it came spurting out in their interaction like toothpaste from the tube. 

This kind of upset happens often and it usually isn’t about the specific thing that might trigger it.  For example, how often do we (women) get upset because our husband’s (sorry guys) don’t take out the trash?  I mean really, is the trash that important?  No. And, it generally isn’t about the trash.  It’s about some other unmet need or frustration and it comes out because it’s safer to identify and talk about the trash than whatever the real source is, if you even know.

We want to be all things to all people, we want to have it all work out.  We keep giving and doing and contributing and then, all of a sudden, we get to our personal tipping point.  The proverbial straw that breaks the camel’s back, and we didn’t even see it coming.  We were too busy to notice that we were dangerously close to the edge. 

In hind sight, what my friend said she wished she had done was to say to her daughter, “I know this is important to you but I can’t go right now.  Let me do these 3 things first and then we can go”, or “I’m sorry, it just won’t work for me to go tonight, let’s look at our calendars and figure out when we can both go.”   Or she might have stopped and realized that perhaps her daughter’s sense of urgency was generated by her own (the daughter’s)  stress and anxiety and addressed that. 

What she regrets doing is losing her temper.  So today, in the calm after the storm, she will take a few moments and process the interaction with her daughter, mend the bridge and the two will move on, having learned a little more about themselves and each other.

And in the future, and the lesson for us all, is to monitor your own stress level and create ways to take care of ourselves so that we can be our best selves in the relationships that are most important to us.

You’re tired.  It seems all you’ve done all day is respond to requests, put out fires, and defend the ineptitude of others. The to do list you created this morning looks pretty much the same as it did at 8:00 AM. You’ve been so busy, you haven’t even had time to go to the bathroom yet you feel as if you’ve accomplished nothing.  Your well is dry. As you drive home from work, you have an image of quiet solitude.  You crave the peace and privacy of your very own home.  You begin to unwind, anticipating the relaxing evening that is just inside your front door.   And then, as soon as you turn the doorknob, your dream is shattered.  The kids are wrestling, they need help with their homework, they are feigning starvation; the house is in a state of disarray, the breakfast dishes are still in the sink and you remember that your significant other is away on a business trip.  You lose it.  Before you know it, you are yelling at the kids, kicking the dog and reaching for the bottle of wine (or whiskey).  Your children tell you that their day was better before you walked into it, and you are feeling badly, realizing they are probably right. 

So, what can you do to avoid such a situation? 

1.      Manage your time at work so that you get important things done and gain a sense of accomplishment.

2.      Plan and prepare dinners in advance so that you aren’t faced with that task the minute you walk in the door.

3.      As you are driving home, recognize your stress.  Acknowledge how you’re feeling and the causes of the feelings.

4.      Change your expectations.  Stress is often a result of reality being inconsistent with expectations.  Expect a little craziness when you walk through the door.  Then you won’t be surprised or disappointed when that’s what you get! 

5.      Change your conversation with yourself.  Instead of telling yourself your kids should be quiet and respectful of your feelings, tell yourself that they are kids, they have spent the better part of their day holding it together in school and now they need to act like kids and make a little noise, have a little fun and make a mess.  They are doing their job and they are darn good at it!

6.      Create a re-entry plan and stick to it.  Make a conscious choice about how you are going to deal with the chaos you walk in on.

Option A: Ignore it, go to a peaceful place and just sit and relax for a few minutes or   meditate. 

Option B:  Get radical and jump right into the fray.  Join in the fun.  There’s time for clean up later!

Option C:  What ideas do you have?

Life is short!  Live it without regrets!!

Last night, after hearing that the stock market had fallen below 7,000 for the first time in over a decade, I tossed and turned about the state of the economy.  I know, not something I can do much about, especially at 3:00 in the morning.  I’ve always prided myself on being financially responsible.  I’ve worked, paid my taxes, put away money for the future so my kids could go to the college of their choice and my husband and I would have a comfortable retirement.  And now, thanks to the irresponsibility of those who are far wealthier than I, all of that is for naught.  My financial habits, which were in line with my values, have been derailed by those whose values are quite different than mine.  And, I’m left in a twist about it.  One of the greatest factors in stress level is the amount of control one feels over his/her circumstances.  The less control, the higher the stress level.  So, while I’m feeling pretty stressed about the state of the overall economy, I’m  trying to find things in my life over which I do have control.  One of those, of course, is my thoughts.  So, here’s my de-stressing thought for today:  Maybe this is the lesson we, as a materialistic society full of greedy people, needs to learn, the 2 x 4 ‘upside the head’ that we need in order to reassess our priorities, return to more moderate lifestyles and restore family values.  Yeah, that feels right (to me).  And, I can continue to teach my children good money values and responsible habits.  Yeah, that’s in my control.  And, I can (even though I would prefer not to have to) find ways to save money without feeling deprived (OK, maybe a little deprived). 

I’d love to hear what how you are responding to the economic crisis and how you are managing your stress (if you are having any) about it.  Please comment!